down the rabbit hole...

I'm so glad we had this time together...

2009-05-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

This feels like it's been coming for a while, at least on this end. I imagine my long absence has foretold it for you as well.

I love this space. I mean I really love it. I come here and look around, and it's like being in the best room, of the best house, of the best city in the best country. It's full of laughter, dreams, heavy thoughts and silly ones. Friends and lovers. The words, the images that I put here for the world to see...I don't know if I can fully express how much they all mean to me. How much you all mean to me. You've laughed with me, cried with me, wondered and pondered and imagined with me. Being here, sharing all of this with you, it's made me more than what I was. More focused, more sure, more open and more willing to take risks. I miss being here every day, miss reading your thoughts as much as I miss sharing mine. I wish I didn't have to go.

But my life is headed in a new direction, down a new path. It's a path I want, one I am determined to travel with an open heart and a determined mind. I'm excited about it, and a little scared, but that's as it should be. I will take with me all that I've learned from this space, from all of you, and I know it will help me get where I want to go.

And while I wish I could take it with me, I know that the world I've created here really isn't meant for where I'm going now. Little pieces, certainly, but not the whole. It makes me a little sad, and I've struggled with this decision for some time now. You see, I really do love this space.

Because I love it, I'm not removing it completely. I want to be able to visit every once in a while, and I want you to be able to as well. I want these words, these images, to stand. They're part of me, and I won't deny them. Even as I head down that new path, I want to be able to look over my shoulder and smile.

I really am so glad we had this time together. I hope you are too.

Hannah

lazy day, future plans

2009-04-19T10:45:00.002-07:00

It's Sunday, and Sparkles and I are doing what we do best. Well, maybe it's not what we do best, but it seems to be what we do most often - lazing on the sofa, watching movies.

Despite my tendency toward sloth, I am finding renewed energy in my life for a few things. For example, my riding lessons. I sort of fell away from it for a while, due my very busy life - traveling over the weekends and previous commitments kept me away from the barn for a good six weeks, but I've been back a few times now and I realize that despite the strain it puts on my schedule (and my wallet), this is something I really, truly enjoy. It gives me so much - exercise, a new appreciation for my body and how it works, and a new perspective on how what I do and how I do it affects the world around me. I'm going to keep at it, because I want to see what else it out there for me to learn. And plus, I get to start learning to jump!

I'm finding some renewed purpose in my writing as well, which is gratifying. I'm working on promoting myself, new stories, and becoming more of a presence in that world. I want to be a part of that world, I want to be important there, so I'm working on making that happen.

What I don't seem to have much energy for is this blog, and that makes me a little sad. I'm sure you've all noticed that my posts here have become few and far between, and I don't see that changing in the near future. But I love this blog, I love that these pieces of me are here for the world - and me - to visit when the mood strikes.

Wow, it's a beautiful day today. I may have to get off the sofa soon and enjoy it.

sad and shameful

2009-04-12T10:50:00.003-07:00

I'm lazing about a lovely hotel room this morning, waiting for Sparkltoes to get back from her coffee date and absently going through my emails, when I find one from my publisher.

"Amazon no longer allows erotic romance or GLBTQ titles to have a sales ranking or to turn up in results from front page searches."

Of course, they're concerned with the "erotic romance" part of that, as am I, since it directly affects my income. But I'm even more disturbed by the fact that GLBTQ (which of course means gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgendered, queer) titles are suffering the same fate.

People who want to read erotic romance novels will find them. They know how to search for them, and they can be pretty determined to run them down via other resources if Amazon doesn't appear to carry them. But that might not be the case with GLBTQ books. With GLBTQ books, sometimes the people who need them most (family members of GLBTQ people, for example), might not know how to look for them or even that they're available.

If you want to write Amazon directly about this new policy - as I have done - you can do so by contacting Amazon customer service via email: ecr@amazon.com or by phone at 1-800-201-7575.

Edit: Google bomb! The gals over at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books have created a new definition of Amazon Rank.

scrubbed and polished

2009-04-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is spa day, children! Sparkles and I are heading north in a few hours to begin her birthday celebration. We're kicking things off by checking into a nice hotel, followed by a nice Italian dinner out, then on Saturday - spa!

We're really most excited by the spa. We're having the Dead Sea package, which includes a foot soak, spa pedicure, full body salt scrub, mud wrap, Swiss shower, sauna, scalp treatment, hot stone massage, facial, and manicure.

We're REALLY excited about the spa.

After the spa we're going to go back to our nice hotel room, bundle up into our robes, crack open a bottle of champagne and order room service.

It's sort of difficult to remember that it's Sparkles' birthday, and not mine!

funny, that

2009-03-30T18:42:00.002-07:00

So Sparkles and I have hired the college age daughter of a friend of mine to stay at our house and take care of the dogs while we're in Seattle over Easter for our spa weekend. She came over about a week ago to meet the boys and get the lay of the land. I told her she could have her pick of the three bedrooms - mine, Sparkles', and the guest room - to sleep in. There are advantages to each: Sparkles has the adjoining bath and more space in the room, my room has the biggest bed, and the guest room has a television.

Today I was talking to my friend, and I mentioned this choice of bedrooms conversation. She started laughing, and when she'd calmed down, she told me there'd been some some discussion about that at home.

Dog Sitter: I don't know which bedroom I want to sleep in!

Mom: Well, which one are you leaning towards?

Dog Sitter: Hannah's room has the biggest bed, which would probably be good since they said both dogs will want to get up on the bed.

Mom: That's true.

Dog Sitter: But...well....

Mom: But what?

Dog Sitter: Hannah has a boyfriend.

Mom: And?

Dog Sitter: And...there could be sperm in her bed!

Nancy Grace is an IDIOT

2009-03-25T22:03:00.006-07:00

I was bored at work today so I got to cruising around the internet a bit in search of something to perk up my afternoon. On the CNN website, I saw a link in their “Latest News” list titled “More tot mom party pics surface”. And it sounded more interesting than the story listed below it, “Nun: ‘This isn’t what Jesus would do!’”, so I clicked on it.

Take a look – totally work safe:

For those unable to view, I’ll summarize. The “tot mom” in question is Casey Anthony, the Florida woman whose toddler daughter Caylee went missing last year – her remains were found in December - and who’s currently on trial for causing the child’s death. The “party pics” referred to are photographs taken at a Halloween party Casey attended with some girlfriends in 2006. They were dressed in lingerie, fantasy type stuff like French maid and casino waitress (though I know no man who fantasizes about banging a casino waitress), and the party involved some girl on girl makeout, a little bump and grind - pretty wild stuff by Nancy Grace’s standards, apparently.

It’s worth watching the video just to see how appalled and self righteous Nancy gets when the gentleman she’s discussing these photos with refers to them as depicting “a good time”. However, the entertainment factor fades quickly in the face of the cheap tabloid journalism Her Graceness is peddling.

Let me be clear on one thing: I do not think Casey Anthony was a good mother – on that point Ms. Grace and I concur. Little Caylee had been missing for a full month before she was reported as such by her maternal grandmother, and even if Casey didn’t kill the little girl herself, she’s likely at least indirectly responsible for whatever DID happen to the child through neglect. BUT…to vilify her as a bad mother and a murderer because she was kissing girls at a party, “drinking beer” and “gittin’ all down on the floor” is a hideous miscarriage of justice.

“I find them (the pictures) highly probative”, says Ms. Grace in the video, “that is to say they prove a lot as to how the tot mom felt about rearing her child.”

Actually, they don’t. What they actually PROVE, what they’re PROBATIVE to (and thank you SO much Nancy for schooling us on what “probative” means) is that she was at a party in a skimpy outfit where she kissed another girl.

That’s it. That’s all they prove. They don’t prove she was a bad mother, they don’t prove she resented having to raise her child, and they don’t prove that she killed her child.

And it's appalling to me - actually, it's revolting to me - that a serious news channel like CNN is (or maybe used to be) allows this biased, slanted, inflammatory crap on the air. It's the sort of tabloid journalism that taints jury pools, takes time and energy away from serious news stories like, oh I don’t know, the shit hole that is the economy right now, and most importantly it enables the sort of behavior policing that scares the ever lovin’ crap out of anyone with two brain cells to rub together.

And if it doesn't scare the crap out of you, it damn well should. Maybe you don't go to Halloween parties in skimpy outfits and smooch on other girls, so you think you're safe from this kind of attack. And maybe you're not gay, kinky or polyamorous - three groups of people who are worried, and justifiably so, that someday someone with an agenda will decide that being those things make them an unfit parent - so you think you're safe there too. But hey - do you go to bars and have a drink while your young children are home with a babysitter? Do you go dancing with your friends? What about the time you went to a bachelorette party and ended up tucking that dollar bill in the stripper's jock with your tongue? How dare you! You're a MOTHER, you CAN'T BEHAVE THAT WAY.

Being a parent doesn’t mean you stop being human, with all the needs an adult human has, including the sexual ones. But there’s a big misconception out there that it SHOULD mean that. And of course, it's bullshit. I know plenty of mothers who are good, kind, loving, caring, nurturing parents. And guess what? They also like to go out for a drink with their friends. Some of them like to dress in skimpy outfits for Halloween. And yes, some of them like to kiss other girls. These things do NOT make them bad mothers – and I would argue in fact that they are better mothers for allowing themselves to have lives outside their child rearing responsibilities.

Is Casey Anthony a bad mother? Most likely. Did she kill her kid? I don’t know, that’s for a jury in Florida to decide. But I know that pictures of her kissing a girl don’t have anything to do with either of those things. And Nancy Grace and her ilk should stick to the probative facts and leave the salacious ones where they belong, in the tabloids.

the "God doesn't get to win" story

2009-03-20T04:00:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me after yesterday's post that the whole "God doesn't get to win" thing would probably seem strange to you. So here's that story:

A few years back Sparkles and I were in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. I'd flown up for a long weekend, and we were staying in Manhattan thanks to my roommates (their Christmas gift to me was two nights in a downtown hotel). We spent two days at Madison Square Garden taking in all the dog show madness, and it was great. One of the great things for me, though, was the food.

Okay, here's a little secret about me: I really love arena food. Nachos, popcorn, cotton candy, ice cream, etc., all the badly made, over salted over sugared stuff you get at any major sporting event is better to me than anything available at a five star restaurant (except maybe champagne). And Madison Square Garden had GREAT arena food - the nachos were just how I like them (no real cheese, just cheese colored sauce drowning really salty chips), and they had AMAZING peanut oil fries. Seriously, just ask Sparkles, they were the shit.

Anyway, as in any other sporting event you could either go to the concession stand for these delightful treats, or wait for one of the roving waiters to come your way. Mostly I'd go to the concession stand when I got the urge for a snack, but the rovers were peddling one thing I wanted - a Häagen-Dazs bar.

I'd been watching the ice cream peddlers make the rounds for a day and a half, and I'd decided I was going to have an ice cream bar towards the end of the night on day two. I'd been resisting the whole time, saving that creamy vanilla covered in chocolate delight for the grand finale of my two day arena food binge. But when I decided the time was right, suddenly none of the rovers were roving my way.

Time after time I'd watch them get one or two sections away, then go back in the other direction. Then they'd come from the other direction, get one section away....then go back! I was twitching in my seat, practically vibrating with irritation, and every time one of them veered off in another direction...well, let's just say I was getting annoyed.

Sparkles was fairly amused by all this, and after the fourth or fifth time this happened, she put a consoling hand on my arm and a chiding expression on her face. "Maybe," she said to me in an almost serious voice, "God doesn't want you to have an ice cream bar."

Well, fuck that noise.

I sucked in some air, stood up, and through clenched teeth declared, "God doesn't get to win!" Then I chased the Häagen-Dazs lady down three sections over and got my fucking ice cream bar.

It was the best ice cream bar I've ever had.

Hannah: 1, Unvierse: 0

2009-03-19T04:00:00.001-07:00

Ha!

Y'all remember this dress?

The one that was completely unavailable? Couldn't get it at the store, or from the designer, or any of the thousand consignment or resale shops I emailed? Unfindable, ungettable, too bad so sad for Hannah.

Well, GOT IT.

That's fuckin' right, and do you know why, darling children? Because God doesn't get to win. Who gets to win? That's right boys and girls, Hannah does.

That's goddamn right.

to the spa we go!

2009-03-18T04:00:00.000-07:00

Sparkles has a birthday coming up next month, and there was quite a bit of discussion around our house about how we were going to celebrate.

First, we thought about going to Paris for a week - we were very excited about this. Then, after I stopped drinking and sobered up, I realized the only way I was going to be able to do that was to sell a kidney. Forget Paris. Then, we thought about going to Chicago for a long weekend, and taking in a hockey game while we were there (Wings vs. Blackhawks). That idea actually got a lot of consideration. Then, as we were driving to the barn one Saturday for riding lessons, Sparkles floated another idea.

"I was thinking," she said, "that instead of spending a ton of money on plane tickets and a hotel in Chicago, we could go to Seattle for a long weekend and do a spa day."

"Oh!" I clapped my hands together and squealed like a tween at a Jonas Brothers concert. "I love that idea!"

So I worked my hotel reservation magic (I'm really good at scoring good hotels at great prices), called the spa, and it's all arranged. Over Easter weekend we're going to head to Seattle for two nights. The first night it'll be dinner out at a yet to be determined restaurant, but something fancy enough for each of us to wear a girly frock and fabulous shoes. Then, on Saturday it's off to the spa to be scrubbed, buffed, polished and pampered for six amazing hours. After that, we figure we'll have just enough energy to get back to the hotel and order room service. We don't plan on moving any more than we have to until check out the next morning.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's Sparkles' birthday and not mine!

girl talk

2009-03-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

Any boys who are squicky squeamy regarding the female reproductive system should look away. Don't say you weren't warned.

So, I'm on that pill where you go for three months without a period, then have one that is usually much lighter and shorter than a normal one. Which frankly rocks, because I don't always have to be counting the weeks when I'm making sexy plans. Plus, I'm spending a lot less money at the pharmacy.

That's the good stuff. The down side is I still have to have one, and it still sucks to have a period. It is at best an annoyance, at worst painful and messy and completely disruptive. But you know, I don't actually have as much of an adversarial relationship with my reproductive organs as it might sometimes seem. I mean, the only time I talk about them is when they're causing me grief (and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's probably true for everyone - who goes around saying stuff like, "My ovaries are really in top form today!"? - no one, that's who), but the truth is I'm pretty happy with them, even though I joke and whine and bitch occasionally.

But this woman in the locker room last week before exercise class asked me to save her a spot on the floor because she had to run back to her desk and get a "plug". It took me a while to figure out that she was talking about a tampon, and I gotta say, the use of the word "plug" in this instance really put me off. The mental image that conjured up was just all kinds of eww. And she was way bitter about it, I don't think she stopped talking about that "plug" during the entire class, and in the locker room after.

I wanted to tell her not to be so bitter about being female, but it seemed a little preachy and frankly hypocritical, seeing as how I was currently feeling a bit snarkly about it myself. I also wanted to tell her if she had all that breath and energy to bitch about her "plug", then she wasn't working out hard enough.

memories

2009-03-15T20:50:00.002-07:00

I spent the weekend where I've spent so many others in the last three and a half years - in the loving arms of Goose and Gander.

Goose is having a birthday you see, and one of our lovely friends had the stellar idea of flying me down on the sly as a present. So I headed down on Friday morning, and by eight that evening was holding a very emotional woman in my arms.

I might have had some emotion myself.

It was a lovely party - all the gang in attendance - followed by a lovely two days doing what we always did best: sleeping late, watching movies, talking, laughing. It was surreal, as Goose pointed out, to be there doing all the usual things even though we all knew it wasn't usual at all.

I was thrilled to be received so well by all my friends - it's been a year, after all, and I wasn't sure of the new dynamics of the group. Would I slide right in as if I'd never been gone, or would it be awkward and painful? Turns out I slid right in, even though the differences - both in the group and within myself - were obvious to me. Slight changes here and there, in the way people interact, in their relationship status - mine included.

I suppose that one gave me the most pause, my change from single gal to firmly coupled. I didn't know how that would affect the way I viewed things. Nibbles of course knew I was going, and has been remarkably supportive despite his discomfort with the idea. He's really remarkable, the things he's had to adjust to since we've been together might have had a lesser man running for the hills by now.

I'm keeping him for sure.

Anyway, despite the changes in my life and theirs, it was absolutely lovely to see everyone again. To be a part once again of the small but vital community that I like to think I had a small part in creating, to know that it thrives still, and is there for me when I want to visit. It truly is a remarkable thing, this group that is so much a family, and I'm incredibly proud of having had something to do with that.

Oh, and I have to send a special thanks to two very special women - Cherry, who is Gander's secondary partner, and Electra, who is dating Goose. It couldn't have been easy for either of these ladies to be suddenly confronted with the ghosts of girlfriends past, but they were both exemplary about it. Thank you, ladies, for being willing to allow - and in fact encouraging - all of that to happen. It's truly appreciated.

sew, a needle pulling thread

2009-03-10T07:06:00.002-07:00

I have bought a sewing machine.

I have a complicated relationship with such things. Usually I can't get the bobbin to thread properly and end up sewing everything by hand. But I bought a sewing machine anyway, because Sparkles has been wanting one and I needed to make a sash for a new dress.

So last night, after Chinese food, I hauled it out of the box and attempted to give it a whirl. It came pre-threaded so this should have been uncomplicated. However, I promptly jammed things up and broke the bobbin thread, making it necessary to re-thread it.

Several hours later, I gave up and Sparkles gave it a whirl. About an hour after that, she finally got it threaded, and I sewed a seam.

After that, I sort of lost interest. Maybe I can buy a sash...

the religion of my youth

2009-03-04T18:25:00.005-08:00

Sparkles and I are going to see Kathy Griffin tonight, and I have two new dresses that came from Nordstrom today, so I don't have a lot of time to rant tonight. But I simply have to talk about this:

Brazil: 9 Year Old Girl, allegedly abused by stepfather, aborts twins over church's objections

You can read the story, or maybe you already have: it's gotten a lot of play in the last couple of days. But basically the church thinks this 80 pound, nine year old child - whose body has been evaluated by doctors been dtermined to be too small and frail to carry even one child to term much less two - should have those twins via C-section, because the law of God says you shouldn't kill.

I think the law of god should say you don't confine a nine year old to bed rest for the next five months, perform major abdominal surgery on her, then saddle her the results of three years of incestuous abuse, for which she'll be responsible for for the rest of her life. And anyone who cries adoption at me? Shut up. The kid shouldn't have to suffer - any more than she has - for someone else's idea of right and wrong.

I've lived in Brazil, and I'm formerly Catholic, so none of this actually comes as a surprise to me. But it still disgusts me. Oh, and the stepfather? He's in "protective custody".

strange goings on

2009-03-01T17:38:00.004-08:00

It's Sunday evening, and I'm sitting on the sofa listening to Sparkles talk to her mom on the phone about buying a laptop. They're looking for one to buy as a birthday present for Sparkles' sixteen year old niece. She's looking at Dell's website and trying to walk her mother through the steps necessary to look at the options by memory, and I imagine it sounds a lot like how it would sound if I were talking to my mom on the phone about buying a laptop. Which is to say confusing and frustrating. She's doing a much better job of maintaining than I would be - at this point, I'd be struggling not to scream.

I had a lovely weekend. Nibbles came down late Friday, and Saturday the three of us went down to Oregon to see Sparkles' new horse Cal. Then we spent quality time in a used bookstore before coming back home for a nice long nap and a movie with dinner.

There was much with the laughter all weekend, especially on Saturday evening, when I decided I needed to try on all my new shoes. See, I'd gone on a bit of an eBay binge, and seven new pairs of shoes were waiting for me when we got home from the bookstore on Saturday afternoon. Dressed in nothing but my fluffy white bathrobe, I tried on every pair, walking around the living room to test comfort (and down the hall to the mirror to see if fabulousness would outweigh comfort), cooing and squealing with joy while Nibbles watched from the couch, laughing. He especially liked the patent leather red Mary Janes and the spike heeled Calvin Klein black sandals, and the oh so awesome gray suede pumps that look like they could have come from Rosaline Russell's wardrobe from His Gal Friday. When I asked him what was so funny, he said he'd never seen anyone have a "shoe-gasm" before.

He should stick around.

Oh, and I also got the sweetest little red leather Kate Spade bag during my eBay binge too. It rocks, and matches the Mary Janes.

Sweet!

possibilities

2009-02-25T06:29:00.002-08:00

It's been pointed out to me that my recent behavior might indicate a slight obsession with finding the black dress mentioned in this post.

So I called the designer's studio in New York - that's normal. So I've emailed every single thrift store I can find - also normal. Checking eBay and the Nordstrom site a few times a day - diligence, not obsession.

Just because I am determined not to let the universe keep me from having this dress, I get labeled obsessive. Some people are so judgmental.

my house is a mess

2009-02-20T04:00:00.002-08:00

This is my new game, called My House Is A Mess And To Avoid Cleaning It, I'm Going To Talk About Other Stuff.

Ready? Here we go.

According to the Vatican, women and men sin differently. In a study based on confessions offered to a Jesuit scholar, they found that men most often confess the sin of lust, and women the sin of pride. Since I never considered either of those things to be sinful, I don't particularly care. And since the last time I went to confession was when I was sixteen, I guess I don't really care if some priest is secretly mining confessions for a paper on the sinning trends of the day. However, I think if I were still a practicing catholic and held the sacrament of reconciliation in some regard, I'd be pretty hocked off at the idea.

A proposed "porn tax" for Washington state was defeated before it even got started. State Rep. Mark Miloscia had suggested it, wanting to use the revenue to save a program that provides money to people unable to work because of physical or mental disabilities. Which is a noble enough thing to want to raise money for, but keep away from my smut, Mark. The reason for its defeat was that it would raise problems to have goods taxed differently based on content. Which isn't as good as it being defeated because it's stupid and a round about way of condemning porn and the people who dig it, but I'll take it.

Speaking of porn, Nibbles and I watched the funniest, campiest bit of porn I've ever seen last weekend. A movie called Pirates, a goofy Pirates of the Carribean spoof with a bunch of people I recognize but can't name. Some of them were bad actors (doy, it's porn - these people aren't hired because they did Shakespeare in the park) and some of them really got into the campy vibe of the whole thing, which was great. One of the folks I recognize but can't name is a girl who I think is at the beginning of her porn career, and whose blowjob technique has improved greatly since the last movie I saw her in. In that first movie (which I don't remember anything about except that awful blowjob technique) she looked like she'd rather be eating shit than sucking dick. Good for her for making it more believable!

In news that feels related, though I can't quite determine how, a TV station in Grand Rapids, MI (where I went to college, shout out to GR!) has yanked a program that was due to air next week called Speechless: Silencing Christians. Produced by the American Family Association (a complete misnomer, as they have very little do to with any family I'd like to be involved with), it apparently is a look at how Christians are being discriminated against for their beliefs, and silenced in the face of the radical liberal and homosexual agenda. And you know what? I'm not sure how I feel about it being yanked (according to the TV station they decided it was inappropriate to air in the original time slot, which was right before Monday's presidential address, and offered the AFA another slot which they didn't want). If the TV station wants to air it, they've every right to do so - the AFA was paying them for the air time. And I understand why the HRC and other human rights groups would organize to stop it from airing, which they did, and apparently successfully. But personally, I think things like this start a dialogue, and talking is always good. Shouting, however, gets very little done.

A bunch of new people are following me on Twitter, so hi new people! I now feel the urge to be witty and entertaining all the time. I might succeed about 30% of the time with that.

I'm looking forward to Kinkfest this year, coming up at the end of March, and yet I'm a little scared of it too. So much has changed for me in the last year, I don't know how it's going to feel. But I'm looking forward to finding out, and hopefully Nibbles will be able to go with me.

Okay, I've ignored the house long enough. Ta, y'all.

to DIE for

2009-02-19T04:00:00.000-08:00

On my trip to Orcas Island last weekend I found this little chocolate shop. If you ever get up that way, be sure to stop by Kathryn Taylor Chocolates. If you never get up that way, just have them send you some.

Trust me, it's worth the FedEx charges.

food, glorious food

2009-02-18T06:18:00.000-08:00

So as I recover from my weekend, let me tell you a bit about the meal I had LAST weekend.

I took Nibbles to Tabla, which is my favorite restaurant in Portland. Lots of good things about it, including the atmosphere, the wine list, and the prices (very reasonable), but the best thing about it is, of course, the menu.

Though there are a few staples on the menu, such as the duck confit or the tajarin with truffle butter, most of the menu changes about once a month. And this month they had something I was DYING to try: bone marrow.

Now, I am an unrepentant carnivore. I like meat. But there's something off putting about dipping a little silver spoon into a roasted beef bone, scooping out the marrow, and devouring it. And this is the traditional manner in which bone marrow is served. But I noticed that Tabla now has a blog, and on it they described their rather unique way of serving this delicacy.

For those who aren't going to follow the link, I'll summarize. They roasted the bones, scooped out the marrow, strained it, mixed it into a Béchamel with butter, milk and flour, cooked it down then formed little croquettes with it and deep fried them. Then, they serve it with a garlic puree and a Bordelaise sauce with escargot.

Okay, I had to try this. For the record, if you mix it with butter and deep fry it, I'll pretty much try anything! I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, and it did not disappoint. OMG, as my young friends say, it was sooooo good! Add to it the mixed greens salad with pear, champagne honey vinaigrette and candied walnuts, and the tajarin for my pasta dish, and it was truly a meal to remember.

Oh, and the orange zest creme brulee? Out of this world.

annoyances

2009-02-12T04:00:00.000-08:00

I'm highly, but HIGHLY, annoyed that I can't seem to find either of these two dresses ANYWHERE.

This Calvin Klein blue satin number...

...or this snazzy little black dress from David Meister.

Nordstrom's is completely sold out, and I've scoured eBay to no avail.

HIGHLY FRUSTRATED.

the view from my world

2009-02-10T18:27:00.003-08:00

Been a while, hasn't it? Sorry about that. Life just keeps rolling along at a breakneck pace, it seems, and what time I do have gets put towards things like my boyfriend, my writing, and my friends.

But I do miss being here more often, so a little update on what's been going on in my world:

Westminster: Oh yea, we're watching. Sparkles and I are glued to the DVR as we speak, and they just finished up the sporting group. The toy group is next, which is why I'm taking the time to write here. Sparkles refuses to fast forward, even though she loathes the toy group just as much as I do. Out of the field so far I like the Scottish Deerhound, and the Sussex Spaniel who just won the sporting group is a really nice dog. It's anybody's game right now.

Nibbles: me and the fella have been dating about six months now, and it's very good. We both know we have issues that have yet to be reconciled or resolved, but we're just enjoying each other right now. I took him to one of my favorite Portland restaurants for dinner last weekend when he was in town (Tabla, omigod the food was AMAZING, I'll blog more about that later), and next weekend we're taking a short trip to the San Juan islands. No, not for Valentine's Day - it's just since I have next Monday off work because of President's Day, we could make it a long weekend. I'm not one of those "you must do something ROMANTIC for me on Valentine's Day!" kind of girls, but he sent me flowers anyway. And hey, I am a girl - I always like getting flowers.

The Dogs: Merlin is fine, though we seem to be developing a bit of an attitude at the dog park lately. He's started attacking German Shepherds. No other breed, and in fact most dogs don't even garner a look from him, he's too busy trying to sniff the whole park. But if he sees a German Shepherd, it's on like Donkey Kong and he doesn't let it go until he's physically pulled away. It's odd, because the Shepherds he's gone after have all been the complete opposite of agressive, so I don't know what he's responding to. But Sparkles had to stop taking him to the park without me, because she doesn't need to be responsible for that.

Speaking of Sparkles, she's showing the monster (also known as Levi) in his first show this weekend. She's nervous, but our friend who shows dogs came down for the day on Sunday and gave her some pointers, and that calmed her nerves some. Mostly, she's just afraid Levi is going to make her look like an ass. And Mostly, she's right. But he's a puppy, and the judges know that, so they're not expecting him to act like a Westminster entry. I'm sad I'll miss it, but there are a lot of dog shows in their future, so I'm sure I'll get to see him strut his stuff sometime soon.

Writing: slow going, this is, and I have to really start cracking. In addition to the manuscripts I'm working on Sparkles and I are also going to be presenting a workshop at the RWA National Conference in Washington DC this summer, so we're working on that. Well, okay, we're not working on it yet, but we will soon.

Horseback riding: I'm still riding every two weeks, and this week I cantered without panicking! This is a huge deal for me, because the canter is a much different motion than the trot, and I was having a really hard time getting used to it. Part of it was the horse I was riding, who is a Hanovarian/Thoroughbred cross and has a very high gait, and when he transitions from trot to canter he sort of bucks. It was freaking me out! But I've switched horses to a Thoroughbred gelding who has a much flatter and smoother transition, and I'm really pleased that I've been able to get past the instinctive fear of that transition. I find the less I panic the easier it is to concentrate on my body and leg position as well as the signals I'm sending to the horse, which makes things go much smoother.

And now the toy group is almost over, so I'm going to check back in to catch the working group. Later, all.

now my PORN is annoying me

2009-02-05T21:34:00.002-08:00

Anyone watching my Twitter feed will already know that I have been waiting with ill conceived impatience for my porn to arrive. It's been some years since I owned any adult viewing material - since college, actually - and I thought it was time I contributed to growing the economy.

But then, when I popped in that first DVD, this came on the screen:

"The sexual situations in the following adult feature are shown for entertainment and informational purposes. We highly recommend that individuals follow the Surgeon General's accepted guidelines for safe sex, which are monogamy and/or abstinence, or at the minimum, the use of a condom combined with a selective choice of sexual partners."

Okay, I am not one of those people who thinks condoms ruin porn. Everybody with a pair of working brain cells knows condoms help prevent not only pregnancy but many sexually transmitted infections, including HIV, and I'm just fine with Ron Jeremy wearing one. In fact, I think a condom makes Ron Jeremy a bit more palatable - God knows he needs all the help he can get on that score.

I'm also all for being selective in my choice of sexual partners. Gone are the days when I'll fuck any random guy who buys me a drink - though now that I think of it, I'm not sure I ever had those days. But that's neither here nor there.

So the use of condoms, being selective about who one fucks, I'm down with all of that. But I will admit to being little perturbed that they feel the need to promote monogamy and/or abstinence. First, I don't think monogamy needs promoting. I mean, I think it's fine if you're monogamous, but it's one of those things that's so ingrained in our collective history and current culture that promoting it seems redundant. Second, it's some kind of weird irony to have porn promoting abstinence, although I guess if you're not getting any, you'll spend more time whacking off to their product. Although if someone can tell me how you can be both monogamous AND abstinent, I'd really appreciate it.

Edit: After I wrote this, I went back to watching the movie, where my second disappointment of the night occurred: someone tried to put a PLOT in my PORN. I HATE that!

ranty McRanterson

2009-02-03T18:09:00.002-08:00

So lately the news has been getting on my nerves.

First, the woman who just gave birth to octuplets. I’m really annoyed by her and what I view as her highly irresponsible behavior in choosing to become a single mother to fourteen children. Yeah, I know, new details and questions of her situation are emerging every day – and she’s recently hired a PR firm to handle all the requests for interviews, which proves she’s not a complete knucklehead – but I stand by my opinion. But don’t worry, it’s not just her that bugs me; the fertility doctor who agreed to implant that many embryos in a thirty-three year old mother of six is a schmuck, too.**

If Wells Fargo decides to go ahead with their corporate retreat in Vegas, I’m closing my account.

Michael Phelps, pot head. Oh, give me a break – the guy is twenty-three years old and he’s spent the last ten years (at least!) training as an elite athlete. Which means he ate, drank, and slept his sport, and probably got very little party time. So he took a hit off a bong, big deal. If I’d spent ten years training for six hours a day and having none of the social fun my peers were having, when it was all over you’d have a picture of me with a bong in one hand, a bottle of Kettle One in the other, and in front of me? A line of guys waiting to get blown stretching to Montana .

And oh, I’m so sure the people in charge in Richland County, South Carolina have nothing better to spend their taxpayers money on than a criminal investigation into the matter. Jumpin’ Jesus, people, he smoked a little bud (allegedly). Get the hell over yourselves.

The pope is a frigging idiot.

**not that doctors should be able to decide how many children a person should have. BUT…seems to me someone should’ve sent this woman to a therapist to find out why she is, in her own mother’s words, obsessed with having babies.

is it dead or not?

2009-01-29T07:32:00.003-08:00

My new favorite television show is The Big Bang Theory. It is my new favorite television show first because it is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on a half hour situation comedy, and second because everyone on the show either reminds me of someone I work with, or someone I’m friends with, or someone I’ve slept with.

Which means it’s full of very smart, very geeky people.

There is a third reason it’s my favorite television show: Schrödinger's Cat.

In the clip below, Penny is asking Sheldon if she should risk her friendship with Leonard by going out on a date with him. And by way of an answer, he gives her Schrödinger's Cat.

Schrödinger's Cat is now my philosophy of life. Whenever I find myself scared or anxious of a new experience, I’m going to remember that the only way to find out if the cat is dead or not is to open the damn box.

Plus, it’s a really funny show.

well, phooey

2009-01-28T04:00:00.001-08:00

I am so disappointed. I really thought Midori's Seattle Bang for the Buck Party was sometime in February. I thought it's always been in February. Monk usually does his fundraiser for it in February, I was sure of that, so I assumed it was going to be in February. And now that I live within driving distance, I was going. I was all set to clear time in February to go to the big girl's only party and help raise funds for AIDS Lifecycle. I was going to bring lots of dollar bills for the Amateur Strip-o-Rama, I was going to bring my libido (fed by the serious lack of girl sex in my life) and my toy bag, and I was gonna party.

But dammit, the party's this Friday. January, not February. January. And I have too much going on right now to break free for the weekend, and boy, is that ever depressing.

Because I really wanted to go.

*sigh*

Next year.

notes

2009-01-27T04:00:00.001-08:00

Sparkles and I did some cleaning this weekend - lots of laundry, taking out the trash, going through all the mail that's piled up since the last time we did this. One of my big problems is that I almost never look at my snail mail. However, with tax time coming up, I'm on the lookout for W-2s.

Anyway, I'm going through the pile of mail that's been set aside for me by Sparkles - she's usually the one who gets the mail, which makes it a lot easier for me to ignore it for long periods of time - and I come across a couple folded sheets of yellow legal paper in the pile. When I started to unfold them I could see they contained some notes I'd written, and for a moment I thought it was story notes for one of my current projects. If I'm away from my computer and I get an idea, I make notes on whatever paper is available and usually shove it into my purse. This, by the way, is not the most efficient way to do this, which is why I started carrying a Moleskine.

But they weren't story notes. They were my notes for the Birthday Gang Bang that didn't happen.

Finding them put a big hitch in my cleaning momentum. I sat down and looked them over - a list of activities that would be off limits and the ones that would be on, a list of possible participants, cost estimates on renting a hotel room for the occasion as well as other needed supplies like condoms, lubes, extra towels and the like, and ideas for the filming a friend of mine was going to do of the event.

I remember how excited I was about this project. How much thought I put into it, how much I was looking forward to it. The conversations I had with my would be filmmaker, the themes we discussed, my concerns and his perspective on the event as a whole.

And I remember how I felt when I had to call it off, how letting go of it due to my sinking into a depression last summer only made me feel more depressed. How telling friends who had been enthusiastic and happy for me during the planning that I was calling it off made me want to break down and cry, because it was one more sign the depression I was struggling with was more than just a footnote in my life. It was becoming the thing I had to focus on, the thing that needed dealing with not next week, not next month, but right then and immediately.

As I was sitting there staring at those yellow pages, I thought about how through good therapy and the support of good friends I've dealt with my depression, and the worst is past me. I still go to therapy (which by the way I recommend to anyone with a pulse, it's the greatest thing to be able to dump all your shit on a total stranger without worrying about hurt feelings and who can help you deal with that shit), and I will probably continue to go for the foreseeable future.

But I'm at a point where I can start thinking about reviving the BGB. And I've been thinking about it, but more than just my mental state has changed since last summer. My relationship status last June was staunchly single, and much to my surprise and delight that isn't the case any longer. Which means someone other than me gets to have a say in my recreational activities these days.

This is not a bad thing at all (Nibbles, darling, trust me when I say I could not be happier about giving you a say in my recreational activities), but it is something new for me. Something to adjust to. I'm pretty used to being an island unto myself in this situations, answerable only to me, so including another person in that discussion is going to take some getting used to. And it means that I can't just forge ahead with those newly rediscovered notes and pick up the planning where I dropped it last summer.

And that's okay with me. More's changed than just my state of mind over the last year, and despite the challenges of that and the bumps that are bound to pop up in the road, I find that makes me pretty happy.

my new romance

2009-01-26T04:00:00.000-08:00

I have become obsessed with mushrooms.

I've never liked them, but a while back I decided to try them again. After all, my tastes in other things have changed over the last thirty years, so maybe this had changed as well. Besides, I didn't like thinking I'd gotten so set in my ways that I wasn't open to new experiences.

The result is that I'm now obsessed with mushrooms. This weekend I had them sauted with tariyaki beef tips, grilled with onions, mixed in with my scrambled eggs, and stuffed with Italian sausage and garlic mashed potatoes.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm!

Sparkles, who also adores the fungi, broke out her mushroom cookbook as well, and there are about a thousand recipes we want to try, like Wild Mushroom Tart with Poppy Seed Crust, White Asparagus Cream with Roasted Crimini and Ramps, Bruchetta with Warm Duxelles and Potato Topping, and Roast Chicken with Chantarelle and Apricot Stuffing.

I fucking love mushrooms.

The Midget-Cadaver Dream

2009-01-22T04:00:00.001-08:00

I had the strangest dream last weekend. Let me preface by saying I mean no offense to anyone who might get offended. Trust me, you'll see what I mean.

In the dream, Sparkles, Nibbles and I are in a bar. It looks by its décor like a country/western bar, with exposed beams, scarred wooden floors and high ceilings. There are also several loft areas that remind me of hay lofts we used to play in at my uncle’s farm, or the kind you put your mattress on in a dorm room to create more floor space.

All around the bar, on every table, the floor, lying across stairs, are black body bags. The only place that is free of them is the bar. The body bags of course have bodies in them, and people are examining them. Not in a clinical, autopsy sense, but in a “this body has something on or in it somewhere that I need, and I’m trying to find it”. And Sparkles and I are having a drink while we wait for someone to bring us the bodies we’ve requested. Nibbles isn’t waiting for a body, he’s just hanging out with us.

So someone comes in with a body bag draped over his shoulder and calls out Sparkles’ name. He’s dressed like a valet parking attendant, with a spiffy little red jacket and bow tie. He says since there are no available tables or floor space, he’ll need to put the body in a loft for her to look at, so we follow him to one of the lofts. Sparkles climbs up there and unzips the bag, while Nibbles and I stay down on the floor, looking up.

Sparkles is looking for a ring that was supposedly mistakenly buried with this body, and she’s got to dig all around in there to find it. The body is female and naked, and she’s yanking it around trying to find this ring – I mean, it’s flippin’ and floppin’ all over the place. Sparkles shoves it forward so it looks like it’s sitting up and sort of slumped forward, and I can see its face from my vantage point on the floor, and I see its eyelids start twitching.

“Eyelids!” I yell, pointing. “Eyelids, eyelids, eyelids, eyelids, eyelids!!!”

Nibbles says, “Don’t worry, it’s just muscle twitches because Sparkles is moving it around so much."

Right about then the valet comes back with the body I requested, and I follow him through a trio of connected rooms to a back room so I can look at the body and get what I need (I have no idea what it is that I need, by the way – I mean, I think in the dream I did, but nobody ever said anything so I have no clue). There’s a gurney in the room that looks a lot like something you’d find in someone’s really crappy dungeon, covered in cracked black vinyl and kind of listing to one side. There's bare fluorescent lighting, the walls and ceiling are water stained, and the floor tile is cracked.

The valet slings the body bag down on the gurney and leaves, and I unzip it. The woman in there is a girl I went to college with (I recognize her face but damned if I can remember her name), and the minute I unzip the bag I realize she’s not the only one in it. Three midgets are in there with her, and everyone's naked, all piled on top of and tucked around each other like a packet of raw chicken, everybody stuck to everybody else.

I call the valet back. “What’s this?”

“Damn,” he sighs. “Sometimes, to save costs, they put the midgets in with someone else.”

“Well, I can’t get in there with them in the way. Can you take them out?”

“No, I gotta get a manager to do it. I’ll be right back.”

So I’m waiting forever and the valet’s not back with the manager, so I walk out to see what’s going on. Nibbles is still watching Sparkles fling her cadaver around like a rag doll, so I fill him in on what I'm doing. He asks me if I need help with the midgets, but I say no, they’re getting a manager for me.

I walk back to the room where my cadaver is, and I realize there’s another gurney in there now, sort of wedged into the corner. On it is a blond woman dressed in jeans, a button down patterned shirt and a denim vest, and her hair is total 80s lunacy. At first I think maybe she works for the bar and is catching a nap, because all the other cadavers are naked, but I call out to her and shake her, and it’s obvious she’s dead too.

I start to walk out of the room to get the valet again, 'cause I really don't need any more bodies to deal with, and this guy shoves past me with a shotgun. He’s really moving fast, not even looking at me, and he picks up the dead girl and slings her over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. He pushes past me again, the dead girl just hanging over one shoulder and the shotgun on the other, and a bunch of people rush in to try to stop him.

They tell him he has to leave her there, that he can’t take her with him. They're all soothing and calming like you are when you're talking to a crazy person, and he starts crying and twirling around like Stevie Nicks on coke. “But I love her! I can’t live without her!” he screams, over and over, sobbing like crazy, flailing around and knocking shit over, not letting anyone come close enough to take the dead girl away from him.

And I think, “Wow, what a nut. I’m going to go wait with the midgets.”

Then I woke up.

safari

2009-01-20T04:00:00.000-08:00

So, I still want a pretty blue dress, and every once in a while I go on an internet fashion safari to try and hunt one up. So far I haven't found quite what I wanted, but I have come across some very pretty almost-rans, including this Herve Lager by Max Azaria that Kate Winslett is wearing on the February cover of In Style.

While this style would never work on me - too many bumps and bulges in quite the wrong places, and trust me, there ain't enough Spanks in the world - I just adore this color. It's gorgeous, and it'd look fantastic on me.

And that big ass David Yerman bangle on her wrist ain't bad either.

up and running

2009-01-19T04:00:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been having a lot of fear about playing. It's a long and rather complicated story, and I'm not really willing to go into the details about it here. Partially because yes, it's personal and involves other people (and their privacy), but also because the whole thing, if you don't know me or the other players personally, is rather boring.

But the short version is there have been a lot of changes in my life in the last year, and it's affected the way I play. The way I interact with partners, the way I view scenes, the way I react to pain has all changed, and it's been weird for me. I liked the way things were, dammit, and I've been a little pissed that it's changed. And yeah, scared.

It took me a while to figure out why I was shying away from the more intense type of play I normally like to engage in, and once I did, it took me a while to work up the courage to challenge those fears in a scene. But I got to this weekend, in the loving and caring arms of Nibbles.

Loving, caring, and fuckin'-A mean arms, by the way. He kicked my ass fairly hard, and I pretty much broke on the first strike. I started crying, sobs and free flowing tears, which is something I've never, ever before done mid-scene. I've done it after, but never while the scene was still going. For a few moments I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go on, and when Nibbles realized what was happening, he got a little scared too. He checked in with me, asked me if I was okay to continue, and I nodded and blinked away the tears.

I thought for a moment he wasn't going to take my word for it, but he trusted me as I was trusting him, and continued. And it was hard, wrenching and painful both physically and emotionally, and by the end I was still crying and not really coherent enough to tell him if I had had enough. He called a halt then, rightly assuming if I wasn't "there" enough to tell him if I was okay then I wasn't "there" enough to keep going. He got me untied, wrapped me in a blanket, and continued to wipe my tears.

Then he tucked me in bed and fed me pizza, and held me all night long. It was really quite lovely, and while I don't think I've put all my play related issues to rest, I feel like I'm on my way to being back up and running.

Which is a very nice feeling.

ah, boobies

2009-01-12T04:00:00.000-08:00

So Sparkles and I went to the movies this weekend. We saw Zack and Miri Make a Porno, which was pretty funny. It also had a couple of actual porn stars in it. Tracy Lords, who everybody knows. Or if you don't, you're too young to remember when it was discovered that she'd done all her films while underage. Big scandal.

The other porn star is a girl named Katie Morgan, who I've actually seen quite a bit. She was featured prominently in a short HBO series a few years ago about the porn industry, plus she makes a lot of movies. She's cute, and comes across as kind of a dim blonde, although she's been around long enough to make me think she's got at least a decent head on her shoulders. You don't survive long in the sex industry without some brains, and you don't thrive without serious brains. And well, she just made the jump to a major mainstream motion picture. So I'm willing to give her IQ the benefit of the doubt.

BUT...I hate her tits. Hate, hate, hate them. Why? Because they used to look like this (NWS pictures). Cute, right? Natural, at least, and I thought rather sweet. Then, I guess she thought they need to be bigger, so she went to this. Not as sweet, and defintely not natural looking, but still palatable. Then she did this awful thing to them. Awful, horrible, wrong wrong wrong!

But hey, I don't know anything about the porn industry, and maybe it did get her more work. Maybe guys who watch porn don't care that they're three sizes too big for her frame, and they don't move when she does. I look at that kind of thing when I watch porn, but maybe guys don't.

So who knows, maybe it was a good move. But I really just hate them. 'Cause man, they're awful.

dance fever

2009-01-09T07:32:00.000-08:00

Sparkles looked at me the other night and said "Adult dance class."

I frowned. "What, you want to learn how to strip?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, dork. Dance class for adults!" She grabbed the flier sitting on the coffee table. "Dancing for Fun," she read. "Learn the East and West Coast Swing, Waltz, Fox Trog, tango, Hustle, Cha-Cha, Salsa, Rumba, Samba, Two step and more! We'll start with the basics so everyone feels comfortable working with rhythms."

"I always wanted to learn to dance like that," I mused. "You know, actually dance real dances."

"I know, me too!" She waved the paper at me. "Thursday night's for six weeks. Wanna try it?"

"I really, really do."

I guess we're going to dance class.

interesting...

2009-01-08T04:00:00.000-08:00

So, one of the little known facts about Sparkles? She's quite skilled at Tarot readings.

This is the one she did for me last night.

It's never a good sign when the person doing your reading laughs, then backs away from the table.

housekeeping

2009-01-07T07:29:00.002-08:00

God, this place is a mess. Levi is blowing out his puppy coat, so there are tufts of black hair EVERYWHERE, and even though we got the garage cleaned, there's laundry backing up. The coffee table is littered with debris, and the kitchen table is the same way.

I swear to God, I'm not this big a slob. But I'd be hard pressed to prove it right now.

wrong, wrong CITY OF WRONG

2009-01-05T20:18:00.003-08:00

I was doing some online browsing on a website a friend recommended to me today, that of a cute little independent boutique in Portland. My friend had a necklace I admired, so she told me where she got it.

I was having a very nice time looking over their wares, until I saw THIS.

For those of you who choose not to follow the link, that's a milk chocolate bust of President-Elect Barack Obama. Lovingly and locally made in honor of this past historic election, it can be yours for only $20.00.

I'm unclear on exactly how, but I'm SURE it's wrong.

Their necklaces are lovely, though.

beginnings

2009-01-02T18:26:00.003-08:00

So, it's 2009. And unfortunately, I don't seem to be getting any less busy.

"Let me explain. No, there is too much - let me sum up."

New Year's Eve - Sparkles and I headed North, picked up Nibbles, and the three of us headed to a lovely soiree hosted by dear friends. I got drunk, Nibbles appeared greatly amused for most of the evening by this, and Sparkles got her tuchus handed to her by several people. She was pretty much the Party Punching Bag, which she thoroughly enjoyed. There were slaps, pinches, and something like sixty needles. Her body, needless to say, has a few marks. She gets this goofy little smile on her face whenever she thinks about it, I'm pretty sure she had an okay time.

Nibbles - Nibbles and I are still together, still navigating the interesting waters of a poly person having a relationship with a non-poly one. We like each other a lot, and despite the obvious hurdles to such an endevor, we're both pretty interested in continuing to figure things out together. Plus, there's the sex, which is...well....excellent, thank you very much. And despite being fairly new to the world of kink, he's got LOTS of ideas, and we're having fun exploring that, too.

Writing - This is my number one personal priority for the new year. I have to get on a regular schedule, as it will be difficult to have a profitable and satisfying career as a writer if I don't, you know, write. I've got things in the works, I just have to finish working them.

Family - My family is well, although there have been some hurdles this year. My dad had some injuries earlier in the year that were very difficult for him to overcome - I think he thought he was still thirty and would bounce back from pulled muscles and strained tendons in mere days. He's fine now though, and a little more aware of his age. Which is unfortunate, but he's still as sarcastic and pissy as ever. My mom was diagnosed this fall with colon cancer, which scared us all pretty good, but her surgery went well and she has an excellent prognosis. Our family has really rallied, and through the tough times, gotten even closer.

Pets - Merlin is good - grumpy, smelly, and a pain in the ass, but good. Levi is growing more and more every day, and getting in everyone's face. We have to vacuum a lot more than we used to, but we love him anyway.

I have a feeling that updates here will continue to be sporadic. I just have too much going on, and frankly, my need to talk here has waned a bit over the last year. But I still like it here, and I like that you all come back to read, so I'm not ditching it just yet.

Happy new year, everyone.

mis-adventures

2008-12-25T20:47:00.003-08:00

Well, my Christmas turned out to be a bit more exciting than I'd hoped.

Nibbles and I were heading down to the Oregon coast to spend the day with some of his family. We'd hauled ourselves out of bed at the ungodly hour of 4:20 am so we could make the three hour drive and be there in time to watch the kids open presents. Luckily for me, he'd brought along a couple of blankets so I would stay toasty warm, and I reclined my seat as far back as it would go and went back to sleep.

The swerving of the truck woke me up.

Thanks to the mad mad driving skills of my man, we didn't go off the freeway. We did end up facing the wrong way, but were soon facing south again and back on our way - at a bit slower pace out of respect for the ice coated road. Confident that things would get better as we got further out of the city, he kept driving and I went to sleep.

Then we hit more ice, and swerved again.

Just a bit of a squiggle this time, but enough to wake me up for good and put Nibbles on high alert (well, higher alert than he already was). We were still thinking the roads would get better as we got further along, and out of the snow zone, though we were discussing leaving the festivities earlier than planned so we could make it home before everything got cold and iced over again.

Then we spun out for the third time.

That one freaked us both out, because unlike the other times we weren't on a bridge or overpass - we were on flat, straight road, and the truck was in 4-wheel drive. I thought we were headed into the median for sure, and for a few truly scary moments I was thinking "oh fuck, we're going to flip over". But once again, mad driving skills prevailed. Nibbles was a rock star, I honestly don't know how we stayed on the road. But we did, and pulled off at the next exit to discuss our options. And to calm down a bit.

He looked at me. "What do you want to do?"

"I'll feel really badly if you miss seeing your family on Christmas," I said. "But if I were by myself, I'd be turning back. That's what my gut's telling me to do."

"Me too."

So that's what we did, driving very slowly. We saw a good number of spun out cars in various conditions on the way, and I'm guessing that was probably as slow as Nibbles has ever driven on a major interstate highway. We got home about five hours after we left, let the dogs out, promptly wolfed down some breakfast, and snuggled up to each other. Glad to be home, safe and warm.

Then we opened the Christmas gifts we'd gotten for one another, and proceeded to thank each other properly. All in all, a fine and happy Christmas.

Christmas Eve-ing

2008-12-24T11:33:00.002-08:00

We had more snow last night, just enough to dust everything with a fresh layer of white. Since I have no plans to be anywhere today but exactly where I am, that's okay with me.

However, tomorrow Nibbles and I are planning on driving south to spend Christmas Day with some of his family, and I'm a little worried about how the roads are going to be then. We'll keep an eye on the road conditions and weather reports, and make a decision early tomorrow about whether or not to make the drive. I have a friend coming in to take care of the dogs, and hopefully we'll be able to keep our plans.

However, if it turns out we can't make it out, we'll just stay in and make the best of it. He's been here for a couple of days now, and I don't think we'll have any problem figuring out ways to occupy our time.

Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good night.

kinky kristmas

2008-12-22T04:00:00.001-08:00

I haven't been giving a lot of thought to what I want for Christmas this year. Despite my love of presents - both giving and receiving - I find that the gift that means the most to me right now is time. Time with friends I don't normally get to see, quiet snuggling with lovers in dark rooms, laughter over good food. That's really all I want this year.

However, that doesn't mean there aren't certain things I could use:

Clamps - I'm starting to get more and more bold with my needle play, and as Mistress Matisse pointed out, the big needles often require more tension - although putting them in slowly does have a certain charm. (How big? Well, I'm proving to be a bit of a size queen when it comes to needles...I seem to be working my way to the single digits, gauge wise.)

Needles - I desperately need to visit Kinky Medical to restock. I'm good on gloves, but I definitely need more 18g and 16g needles, my Sharps container is almost full, and I'm considering getting a staple gun. I don't like them as much as needles, because one has to be so delicate and precise with their removal. There's a special little staple remover that one is supposed to use so that flesh doesn't get torn and damaged, and frankly....well, it just bores me. What I always want to do with staples is punch them in a row over a long piece of dental floss or other strong, thin string, then when it's time to take them out, take the ends in hand and just... rip. So far, no one's willing to let me do that. Consent can be so limiting sometimes.*

Stun Gun - I've been wanting one of these since I got to experiment with one at Folsom last year, but between one thing and another haven't made the buy yet. Gotta do that soon.

Sap Gloves - punching is so satisfying, and I think having some lead shot covering my knuckles would make it even more delightful.

And lest you think I'm only topping these days, there are a few things I want on the bottom end. More experiences and personal adjustments than things, really:

Core Strength - I need to work on this to feel better about bottoming in rope. I'm not a huge suspension fan, and I suspect this is the main reason why - I become very uncomfortable very quickly, my lower back just doesn't handle being in the air well at all. And we all know that strong abs make for a stronger back, so I foresee a lot more situps and yoga and other torturous things in my future.

Fighting Skills - Nibbles is an accomplished fighter with a lot of training in martial arts and hand to hand combat, and I'd like to get good at that. Not just for the practical reasons of self protection and conditioning, but it'd be really, really nice to be able to spar with him. He tries to teach me, but anytime we get going, our direction seems to change from combat to...well, something else. Maybe we should try doing the something else first?

A Single Tail Scene - I've always wanted to do this. My back is deliciously sensitive to impact and stinging sensation, and I adore marks, so a single tail scene is definitely on the list.

A Cutting Scene - I like to bleed.

A.H.S.T.B.N.L. - A Humiliation Scene To Be Named Later. I won't be able to tell you exactly how that one should look until I decide who I want to do it with. So much depends on the players.

*Of course, I kid. Consent is essential, and should never be joked about or overlooked. And as an ethical and responsible person, I would never do so. But golly, it sure can get in the way of my fledgling sadism.

oh the weather outside

2008-12-18T20:41:00.003-08:00

Well, it's 8:41 but it feels later than that. What with getting up at 4:30 to take Sparkles to the airport, stressing about the weather, and getting the house company ready, I feel pretty tired.

The weather is pretty crappy here right now. Lots of snow (and don't you know these folks have NO clue what to do with that) that melted a bit and will likely freeze overnight. I'm just grateful that Sparkles made her flight out this morning, and that Goose, Gander and the goslings made their flight in before things got drastic. It got so drastic today that my office actually closed due to the weather (which I bet they probably regretted because soon after they did it got sunny and nice and didn't turn shitty until almost six hours later, but we were long gone by then).

We had plans, Goose and Gander and I, to schlep up to Seattle tomorrow, but I don't see that happening right now. The forecast for tomorrow is more snow, with the high temperature hovering around 30 degrees, which means that snow will be ice and I don't relish the thought of heading north on I-5 in the midst of all that.

We're bummed, for sure. They have lots of friends they want to see, and I was going to introduce them to Nibbles for the first time (big poly moment!), but nobody wants to risk life and limb to do any of it. So we'll pop in a few movies tomorrow, whip up some soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, and make the best of things.

I'm just happy they're here. They're all sleeping right now, their day having started even earlier than mine, and I think I'll go join them.

Ta. Y'all stay safe and warm out there.

stranded

2008-12-10T07:24:00.002-08:00

Wow, it's been a while since I posted anything, hasn't it? My December so far has been busy, and it's only going to get busier, so I doubt updates will be more frequent until after the first of the year.

I spent the last weekend back in Michigan, visiting the folks. It was an excellent visit, the best I can remember having in a very long time. The reason for that? I think I may have grown up a little. How? I finally figured out how to handle the tension and anxiety caused by being there, and realized that no matter how they behave, respond, or feel about me and my life, it remains my life and my prerogative to live it how I want to. Just having that little epiphany made it possible for me to roll with the punches this weekend, and for the first time in a very, very long time I was sad to leave them.

Of course, if I'd known my return flight was going to be delayed long enough for me to miss my connection in Minneapolis, I would've been a lot sadder. I got home about twelve hours after I was supposed to (which really isn't that bad - if there had been a blizzard instead of just a bit of snow I'd probably still be in Terminal C, trying to get Twizzlers out of the vending machines) after spending the night in the airport. I managed to make it into the office for a few hours yesterday afternoon, then came home and was in bed by 8:30.

I'm really getting too old to have these kinds of adventures.

seriously funny

2008-12-04T04:00:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across this yesterday - it's getting a lot of press. Even if you've already seen it, give it another look. And go to www.jointheimpact.com to see what you can do to support the cause of equality.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

holy shit, he said WHAT?

2008-12-03T04:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I know most of you aren't sports fans. That's okay - this has less to do with sports and more to do with what a massive jackass Sean Avery is. I mean, he's always been a jerk, but this...well, judge for yourselves. This is excerpted from Scott Burnside's column on espn.com:

After waiting for reporters to gather around him in Calgary following his team's morning skate Tuesday, after ensuring Canada's national sports network cameras were rolling, the Dallas Stars forward launched into a rehearsed, crude statement referencing former girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert, and her current beau, Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf.

When he was done, Avery took no questions.
He had said enough.
"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada," Avery said. "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."

And no, he wasn't joking (you can read the full article here, and view the video of the incident). Avery has a history of being a jerk and a blowhard, but this is beyond mere assholery. I don't agree with Gary Bettman very often, but I agree with his decision to suspend Avery indefinitely. I hope the Dallas Stars add their own fines and penalties on top of what the league is sure to hand out.

What a fuck-tard.

day of thanks

2008-11-27T09:44:00.002-08:00

So far, I am having a rockin' Thanksgiving.

Sparkles and I took the dogs to the dog park this morning - after sleeping in, of course. I can't tell you how nice it was for my alarm NOT to go off at 6:15 this morning! Anyway, the trip to the park was Levi's first, as he had to wait until he was four months old and had all his shots, and Sparkles was a little worried about it. We had a fifty foot training lead on him, because he doesn't really have a recall command yet, but after a few minutes it became clear that it was just going to get hopelessly tangled not only around him, but other dogs and their owners, so we took it off.

And he did beautifully. Came when we called him, behaved himself around the other dogs, and basked in the exclamations of his cuteness like it was his due. He had a great time.

Now, the dogs are settled in the back yard with the beef bones that are their Thanksgiving treats, Sparkles and I are going to have some cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and later, our turkey/stuffing/mashed potato/apple pie feast.

It's a good day.

horizons broad

2008-11-25T04:00:00.001-08:00

Lately, I've been making a concerted effort to broaden my horizons. Not necessarily with new, dramatic experiences like sky diving or bungee jumping (although I would love to try skydiving sometime), but rather in trying things that I have historically been resistant to, like dice with more than six sides or mushrooms.

I'm not ready to think about the dice, but let's talk about the mushrooms.

I have never liked them. For as long as I can remember, I've avoided them and, as a child, refused to eat if there were fungi in the food (anyone who knows my love of eating should understand the seriousness of this). I would defiantly declare, "I don't eat fungus" as though somehow my refusal to eat them made me better than everyone else. I would special order dishes in restaurants so as to be sure not to be surprised, and anytime I was served a dish with 'shrooms in it at a dinner party I would just eat around them -there would always be a pile of them on my plate at the end of the meal.

But recently I started thinking about this, about why I didn''t like mushrooms, and I realized that I couldn't remember ever having tried one. I must have, at least once as a kid - or at least I hope I did and it wasn't just some kid reaction to vegetables that made me reject them. And I realized that the reason I didn't like them was because I said I didn't. The rejection was more out of habit than any real dislike.

And really, I don't want to be that person - someone who sticks to a position just because that's the one I've historically held. So last week when Sparkles and I were at dinner, I asked her if I could have a bite of her appetizer, a mushroom crostini.

And oh my God, was it ever amazing. I mean, I loved it. I almost invoked the birthday clause (the one that says on my birthday I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me or retaliate in any way) to steal her food. It was that fucking good.

I did have one problem, and I don't know if it's going to be an ongoing issue or not - texture. I have a weird thing about some textures (like I won't eat cold shrimp because to me it feels like a tiny skeleton on my tongue) and the fact they were both smooth (slick, really) and crunchy was a little disconcerting. But they tasted great. Apparently, I do like mushrooms, and I'm looking forward to exploring that further.

But the dice still scare me.

let the sugar coma begin

2008-11-24T04:00:00.002-08:00

This weekend, with help from Nibbles, I started my annual marathon of Christmas baking. On the menu this year:

Peanut Brittle
Hard candy - grape and lemon flavors for sure, others to be decided
Church Windows
Chewy Chocolate Ginger Cookies
Bailey's Fudge - oh yeah, I said Bailey's, as in Bailey's Irish Cream
Cheesy Beer Bread

The Cheesy Beer Bread is Sparkles' contribution - I'd make it, but she won't give me the recipe. And lest I take that personally, she comforts me by reminding me that no one else gets the recipe either.

I'm also contemplating adding Lemon Tea Cookies, depending on how my time goes over the next week or two, and I might take another pass at the candied pecans I tried last year - I wasn't really satisfied with that result. Or maybe something completely new...

Suggestions?

does art imitate life?

2008-11-18T04:00:00.001-08:00

Last question...

Q:
From beckyh: How has your changed personal life changed your writing? In the sense of you changed perceptions leaking into what you write. I keep thinking that a poly relationship is going to figure big in my next story-but then I think about getting published and how much impact that could have on potential earnings.

A:
First, I assume by "personal life" you mean being kinky and poly. Based on that assumption, the short answer is: Hardly at all.

I was writing romances long before I realized I was kinky. I have written about kink, but in a fairly vanilla way, if that makes sense. Mainstream kink, and my personal proclivities are anything but mainstream. For a while there I thought I would spend most of my career writing kinky stories, but I've found that's not true. While my books will always have a bit of an edge to them, and throwing some rope or mild D/s into a scene can really liven things up, I've found that I really have no desire to write All Kink All The Time. It's hard, first of all - you have no idea until you sit down to write one just how hard it is to craft a steamy, kinky, not stupid or lame love scene. It's one of the hardest things I do as a writer. Second, I find that putting my personal life on the page is a bit too...well, personal.

A note on D/s themed romances: I've written some mild D/s, and some erotica short stories where it was a central theme, but generally speaking I don't think that a realistic depiction of a D/s relationship would sell in a romance novel. Elements of D/s do well in romances, and if well crafted are very, very hot. But the amount of communication and negotiation and relationship building that goes on in an actual D/s, capital R "Relationship"....it's not really sexy, and it would make for a very long, very dry tome.

As for poly, I can't really see myself ever writing about that. Not that it can't be done - people are doing it, and in mainstream fiction (Laurell K. Hamilton, for example) as well as straight up romance and erotica. But once again, I don't want to work out my personal life on the page, and once again I find it far too complex a subject to fit neatly into a 100,000 word novel. Novels have to have a beginning, a middle, and in the case of a romance, a happily-ever-after end, and I just don't think I could make it work for a poly book.

That's me, you understand - there are people doing just that, and some of them are doing it very well. I just don't want to be one of them. And it does sell - I don't think writing about poly would have any sort of negative impact on potential publishing and earnings. You will have to do your homework to find the right publishing house for such a project, but if you have a strong voice and you tell an interesting, engaging story, somebody will buy it.

the day after

2008-11-17T04:00:00.001-08:00

Many thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday yesterday. I had a lovely birthday weekend, filled with laughter and cuddles and truly awesome presents. And it depresses me that I'll have to wait a full year for another one.

But hey, there's still the gang bang to look forward to!

Anyway, celebrations continue today. My co-workers are taking me to lunch, then Sparkles and I are going out to Bastas for dinner. Then my birthday will be officially over, which blows.

Tune in tomorrow for more answers to questions. And feel free to ask more, if you've still got 'em.

T minus...

2008-11-15T04:00:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is my birthday, bitches. Y'all better recognize...

answers

2008-11-13T04:00:00.002-08:00

Well, I like that y'all were willing to give me some questions to answer. I got some in the comments and some via email. Some are going to require some further thought, but this will get me started:

Q:
From Sic-un: Are you enjoying the PacNW? Have you made any forays out there that you care to share (hell, going to the zoo? A park? Great shopping? ANYTHING?)? How are the dressage lessons going?

A:
I'm enjoying the Pacific Northwest very much, actually. I have a view of Mt. Hood from the house and Mt. Saint Helens from work, and it's very nice to be somewhere that has seasons again. I don't even mind the rain, and it's gotten very wet lately. Of course, everyone just shakes their heads at me when I say that, and says, "I'll remind you that you said that when February rolls around", and they've got a point. Still, I'm very happy with my choice of location.

I haven't done much in the way of exploring the area, unfortunately (beyond exploring the vineyards in the Willamette Valley a bit). I have yet to fully explore Mt. Hood, and though my parents saw Mt. Saint Helens when they were here I didn't get the chance to go with them. Still on the list!

But one thing I have managed to do is find some great restaurants. Our favorite by far is Tabla Mediterranean Bistro. We found a review of their Tarjarin (thin housemade pasta with truffle or sage butter, and grana padano) in Portland Monthly, decided that was worth trying, and we just can't get enough of the place. We took Sparkles' parents when they were here visiting, we took Nina when she was here, and I'm taking Goose and Gander when they visit in December. It's also on the list of places I want to take Nibbles when he's visiting sometime. The food is brilliant, but the other thing we love is that they do a wine pairing - half a glass of whatever the sommelier recommends with each course, and it's simply delightful. We have never had a bad experience there, and we'll just keep going back.

The other restaurant I really like is a place called Bastas. Gander and I went there for a lovely little romantic meal when he visited me in the spring, and Sparkles and I are going next week for my birthday dinner (did I mention I'm having a birthday?). She's driving, so I can fully explore their wine list a bit more, and I'm so having the carpaccio again...I do love me some raw meat.

And the dressage lessons are going wonderfully, thank you. I've graduated from the beginner lesson horse, Pepper, to Dreyfus, who is still a lesson horse but is much bigger and more of a challenge. And now that I'm comfortable on him, we're starting to focus on the details of dressage riding - how I need to hold my feet, how to use my legs, etc. It's hard, sweaty, dirty work, and I love every second of it.

Well, that's enough for one day - I'll answer another one or two tomorrow.

EDIT: I should point out one more restaurant that I haven't yet been to, but have been waiting to try for several months. My friend Alex and I have been talking about eating and drinking ourselves silly at Montage for months now, and since Alex will be in town over Thanksgiving, I think we're finally going to be able to do it. Unless he punks out on me again, in which case I'm going without him.

a gentle reminder

2008-11-12T07:16:00.004-08:00

While I compile answers to yesterday's questions - and please feel free to keep them coming - I thought I would take this opportunity to remind you that it is now four days until my birthday.

questioning is a sign of intelligence

2008-11-11T04:00:00.000-08:00

Some of y'all may have noticed that my writing here has become sporadic and less cohesive than it once was. Part of this is because of what I wrote about yesterday - my schedule is whackado willy these days, and recreational writing time is one of the things that has gone by the way side.

But another reason is that I think I've started to run out of things to say. **At this point all of my friends are laughing their asses off because they know I never run out of things to say.** So I'll rephrase: I think I've started to run out of things to talk about here.

I've talked about a lot here over the last three years - recipes, friends, lovers, kink, sex, goals, dreams, good times and bad. And since I'm not ready to call this blog quits, I'm sure there will be more of that. But while I'm dealing with the shifts and changes in my life, my focus is elsewhere, and the amount of thought I used to put into blogging...well, I just can't do it right now.

So I'm going to ask of you all a favor: give me something to talk about. Ask me a question, any question, in the comments and I'll answer it (of course, the answer may be 'none of your fucking business, pervert', but hey - that's an answer). I'll answer honestly, as long as I can do so without trespassing on anyone else's territory (example: I won't answer questions about Goose and Gander, or Nibbles, or any of my other friends that would involve betraying their trust).

Ask, folks, and ye shall receive.

make time

2008-11-10T04:00:00.000-08:00

I, for the first time in my adult life, am willingly looking to buy a planner.

I fucking hate planners.

But it's becoming increasingly clear that I need one. That my time, which once seemed infinite, has become a precious commodity and needs to be rationed out.

This, my friends, sucks large. It's not really fair. I feel as though I'm not giving the various areas of my life enough time, and what I do give is very poor quality. Trying to make time for my day job (necessary, because I really like having money to buy groceries and pay rent), a new relationship (also necessary, because I want this relationship) and my writing (again, necessary because one day I hope to replace the day job with it). Add to all of this that I am a person who needs solitary time as well - time for me, for the stuff that I want and need (like my riding lessons and watching hockey games and curling up with a good book), and what you've got is a woman in need of a schedule.

Which pisses me off. My life, she was much less complicated when I was an antisocial celibate. Not that I wish I was an antisocial celibate still - I really like my friends, and who doesn't like regular orgasms? I'm actually quite happy with my life, and despite the fact that I need a planner (a planner, for sweet Christ's sake!), I wouldn't change it.

So, I'm biting the bullet and buying a planner. Now I just have to find one that suits my personality. So if anyone knows where I can get something stylish and functional that also hints at my humor, my slight sadistic side, my intelligence and my general fabulousness, let me know, will you?

let the joyous news be spread

2008-11-05T06:39:00.003-08:00

Wow, what a night. Despite myself, I couldn't help but check the results every five minutes on the computer, and as soon as they called it we switched to network TV to see the speeches.

And wow all over again.

My joy is tempered by the fact that Prop 8 in California looks like it's going to pass. Things are still uncertain as of this morning, but that's what it smells like. Dammit.

But still, as we were walking the dogs late last night, Sparkles and I just kept looking at each other and saying, "Can you believe it?". It feels like the world is shifting for the better.

I hope so, anyway. I really, really hope so.

participate

2008-11-04T07:08:00.001-08:00

I have only one thing to say today: Vote, or shut the fuck up.

That is all.

one of these things

2008-11-03T04:00:00.000-08:00

A sure sign of a good weekend? Not being exactly sure which part of it has me walking like an old woman today, and knowing that all of it is responsible for the silly smile on my face.

Happy Monday, y'all.

and just in case you forgot...

2008-10-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

...it is now sixteen days until my birthday.

That is all.

there's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza

2008-10-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

Suddenly and sharply, I miss my people.

The friends I used to see once a month, Goose and Gander and all the kinky tribe. I miss laughing with them, I miss the feel of their arms around me, I miss the slide of skin on skin and the glorious pinch and sting of pain, and the way we could all be together and free and lovely.

I miss them.

Now if you'll excuse me,. I'm going to go look at plane fares to Texas.

back in the saddle

2008-10-28T04:00:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel more like myself again after several months of depression. I don't think I'm completely out of the woods yet, but therapy is helping tremendously, and I definitely think the tide has turned.

And now that it has, I'm starting to turn my attention to things that had to take a back seat to taking care of myself. Case in point: play.

I haven't felt like playing hard for several months. Not that I haven't played, but it's been mostly light and easy, both physically and emotionally. While I would have dearly loved a good hard, heavy ass kicking at certain times in the last few months, I'm self aware enough to know that it would have been unwise. Self medicating through play is never a good idea, and it's completely not fair to the person you're playing with. Thus, the heavy stuff has been off the table for several months.

But yesterday, as I was fiddling around with my new computer, I started looking at some BDSM porn for the first time in...well, months. Perusing the photos over at Hogtied and Sex & Submission made me remember how much I do like to play hard, and for the first time in months I was completely turned on by the images. I remember now that humiliation and pain are good things, and I want them back in my life.

I don't know if I'm ready to go there quite yet, but I can see that time growing closer. And boy, is that a relief.

Hello Swindon, I am here...

2008-10-27T04:00:00.001-07:00

What's been going on with me lately? Well, let me tell you...

I started taking horseback riding lessons about a month ago - dressage lessons, actually, which as I've only ever done western style riding has been very interesting. I've gotten used to it pretty quickly, and I absolutely love it. Not just for the horses, which are lovely, amazing animals, but for the way it makes me feel. Not only is it an incredible, challenging workout, but it's showing me how to use my body in new and unexpected ways. I'd go every day if I could.
I have a new fella - who has been christened"Nibbles" for the purposes of this blog. Nibbles was introduced to me in August by mutual friends who thought we might have a good time playing together. Everyone - me most especially - was surprised when it turned into a lot more than that. I'm reminded often of something Matisse once said, about how silly it would be to turn love away because it didn't come in the package you expected. I've decided not to be silly. We live a couple of hours apart and can't spend as much time together as we'd like, but so far we're making it work.
The new puppy is settling in well, eating like a pig and growing like a weed. It's been an adjustment for me, as not remembering to put my shoes away now has more dire consequences than just not being able to find them when I want to. He's about thirty pounds of fluffy cuteness that'll nibble your face off if you're not careful.
The Pubic Hair Poll - as I recall, purple was the winning color, and I promised to post photos of the results. However, it's been difficult to find purple haircolor that's not semi-permanent, so I haven't done it yet. I did find some hot pink dye created just for this purpose, so if I can't make purple work I may use pink as a backup plan. I'll try to keep y'all posted on that.
Sparkles and I are working on a new project together - a new blog that we can use to talk a little more freely about our writing. I haven't decided yet if I'll link to it here - conventional thought tells me that I should probably keep some distance between my kinky existence here and the more mainstream professional author persona I'm attempting to cultivate. So I may post about it once it's up and running, link to it once, and leave it at that.

I'm trying to think if there's anything else I have to tell you - oh yeah! I'm writing this post on my brand new laptop. I got a sweet deal on a new HP; it has tons of memory and runs smooth as buttah. I love it.

that's just logic

2008-10-24T04:00:00.001-07:00

Last night, Sparkles opened the refrigerator to see this:

See, this morning I'm going in to work early to work out. My company just opened a gym for employee use, a fact which just tickles me pink. I've been having such a hard time getting to the gym lately, and the convenience of being able to get my workouts with minimum disturbance to the rest of my schedule is just awesome.

Anyway, I'm going in to get in some cardio before I have to be at my desk at 8:30. I packed a bag with work clothes and toiletries, my employee ID badge, etc. I also packed a ziplock with some oatmeal, since I'm going to need to get breakfast after my workout. But I can't eat oatmeal without milk, which of course needed to stay in the refrigerator until this morning. And I know myself well enough to know that even though I got it all ready to go last night in a handy little container, chances are I'd forget all about it by this morning.

But if my car keys are with it...well, I can't leave without my keys, can I?

This thought process seems perfectly logical to me, but all Sparkles did was laugh and shake her head at me. Honestly, sometimes I think that girl doesn't know from common sense.

one note Nancy

2008-10-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

While it is true that I love to read, it is also true that I can be a bit of a one note Nancy about what I read. I like fiction that's funny, and not much else.

But lately I've been hearing about some non-fiction that sounds worth a look. I credit two people for this: Matisse, and Sparkles. Sparkles because every time I turn around we're watching a documentary or the History channel, and Matisse because she links to non-fiction that I think looks good.

Current books I'm eyeing:

The Wordy Shipmates by Sarah Vowell - from Amazon: To this day, America views itself as a Puritan nation, but Vowell investigates what that means — and what it should mean. What was this great political enterprise all about? Who were these people who are considered the philosophical, spiritual, and moral ancestors of our nation? What Vowell discovers is something far different from what their uptight shoe-buckles-and-corn reputation might suggest. The people she finds are highly literate, deeply principled, and surprisingly feisty. Their story is filled with pamphlet feuds, witty courtroom dramas, and bloody vengeance. Along the way she asks:

* Was Massachusetts Bay Colony governor John Winthrop a communitarian, a Christlike Christian, or conformity’s tyrannical enforcer? Answer: Yes!
* Was Rhode Island’s architect, Roger Williams, America’s founding freak or the father of the First Amendment? Same difference.
* What does it take to get that jezebel Anne Hutchinson to shut up? A hatchet.
* What was the Puritans’ pet name for the Pope? The Great Whore of Babylon.

And I'm particularly excited about this one:

Resistance: A Frenchwoman's Journal of the War (original French Title: Notre Guerre, Souvenirs de Résistance) by Agnes Humbert - from Amazon: Translated into English after more than 60 years of near-obscurity, Humbert's firsthand account of her work for the resistance in occupied Paris and her subsequent arrest and deportation to a forced-labor camp in Germany is an invaluable addition to works highlighting the role of women during wartime.

From the BBC: A respected middle-aged art historian at one of Paris's most illustrious museums, Agnès Humbert was an unlikely candidate for Resistance heroism. But amid the chaos and bitter ignominy of defeat her soul rebelled ("I feel I will go mad, literally, if I don't do something!").

Her character leapt off the page: impetuous, pugnacious, fiercely intelligent and irreverent, with an indomitable sense of humour, moral passion and integrity that would never desert her throughout the ordeal that awaited her. This was the woman, after all, who (I learned from her fellow résistants) would distribute incendiary tracts in the streets of Paris from supplies stuffed down her stocking tops, who would delight in making Vive de Gaulle stickers to paste on the back of German military vehicles.

Oh, and lest ye think I've completely abandoned fiction, I'm eyeing this as well:

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson and Reg Keeland - from Amazon: Mikael Blomkvist, a once-respected financial journalist, watches his professional life rapidly crumble around him. Prospects appear bleak until an unexpected (and unsettling) offer to resurrect his name is extended by an old-school titan of Swedish industry. The catch--and there's always a catch--is that Blomkvist must first spend a year researching a mysterious disappearance that has remained unsolved for nearly four decades. With few other options, he accepts and enlists the help of investigator Lisbeth Salander, a misunderstood genius with a cache of authority issues. Little is as it seems in Larsson's novel, but there is at least one constant: you really don't want to mess with the girl with the dragon tattoo.

And I finally - FINALLY! - found this book again. One of my favorite get-through-hell-and-come-out-better phrases comes from this book. And it's hysterical.

Murdering Mr. Monti by Judith Viorst. From Amazon: Syndicated advice columnist Brenda Kovner, recently turned 46, is also a wife (of pediatric surgeon Jake), mother (of entrepreneur Jeff and social worker Wally) and sister (of many-careered Rosalie), who lives in a suburb of Washington, D.C. Optimistic, positive and with a characteristic "can-do" attitude that she applies to all problems--not just her own--Brenda decides that only murder will end the dangers imposed on her family by Joseph Monti in his zeal to break the engagement between his daughter and her son Wally. Though not the "murdering kind," Brenda decides that homicide is possible for her, a woman who, in an effort to learn what sex would be like with someone other than her husband, recently executed a plan to sleep with three different men in 24 hours. More compelling than the details of Brenda's murder arrangements are the gradually, and expertly, revealed circumstances surrounding her liaisons and their repercussions.

Ok, go ahead and die.

2008-10-15T07:20:00.005-07:00

I swear, the next time I hear the phrase "I love him to death" I'm going to slap the person who says it silly.

I hate that phrase. You understand I didn't say dislike, or it bothers me, or I think that sentiment could be expressed better (although all those things are true, too). I said HATE.

What does it mean, anyway? Does it mean "I love him and will until the day I die" or does it mean "I love him so much he could die from it"? I've always thought it was the latter, and so how then is that a good thing? It's like a stalker's mantra. "I love him to death." It has a flavor of desperation to it, a whiff of mania that no one in their right mind would encourage. So why is loving somebody to death a good thing? It's DEATH, for fuck's sake.

Anytime I hear someone say it, I just want to encourage them to go ahead and die themselves, and save me the trouble of hacking them to tiny little bloody pieces.

And while we're on the subject, what's wrong with "I love him very much"? Maybe it's too formal, too old fashioned. So fine, if you must have a sappy little phrase, use "I love him to pieces" or better, "I love him to bits". It's a little southern, which somehow mitigates the literal meaning of the words. Some things just sound better southern.

And at least it doesn't imply an accelerated mortality rate.

I HATE that phrase.

fess up

2008-10-09T04:00:00.000-07:00

C'mon, people - I can't be the ONLY person who looks at this and thinks "Sign me up!"

Can I?

double speak

2008-10-08T04:00:00.002-07:00

I am not much for politics. I know how I'm voting, I know why, and my need to discuss or preach about either is just about nill.

I'm also not much for hating politicians. There are some I dislike, some I think are horribly misguided, and some I think do a decent job. However, one of them is the devil. Or rather, as Sparkles put it, would be the devil except the devil would be smarter and slicker.

So when I found this, I must say I enjoyed it. A bit lengthy, and I'd have preferred a more balanced delivery, but all in all, highly enjoyable.

pencil me in

2008-10-06T04:00:00.000-07:00

I had a very nice weekend, thank you very much. I had my riding lesson (whoa Mary, do my legs hurt today!), a productive Saturday afternoon full of writing and long-ignored housekeeping issues like the laundry, then a lovely visit from the new fella in my life.

The new fella needs a blog name. Hmm, I need to think about that.

Anyway, we had a delightful time, talking and laughing and other stuff that's really none of y'all's business. It was a shortened visit, as both of our schedules are playing havoc with play time, but we're managing. It's important to both of us to make the time. And it's becoming increasingly obvious to me that I'm going to have to make an actual schedule for my social life if I want to stay on top of things.

I don't enjoy the prospect of having to do that - I really, truly hate keeping a schedule or a planner or some kind of calendar. Hate having to pencil in my recreational time. But if I want to balance my work and my fun, I think it's going to have to happen.

I guess as problems go, there are worse ones to have. Still, it's one more reason to work hard so that I can quit the day job, stay home and write full time, and enjoy more flexibility with my schedule.

well, if that's the case...

2008-10-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

Excellent discussion yesterday, everyone. Well done indeed! A quick follow-up question for anyone who might be in the know, regarding Parallels: This sounds like an excellent solution, but I wonder how much memory running a Windows desktop on the Mac is going to suck up. If doing this is my plan, should I still upgrade to 4 gigs?

I must say I'm a little excited about Macs now. I think I might venture down to the Apple store sometime in the next week or two and avail myself of one of their display models. Play around, see how I likes.

But not for a while. I've a busy few weeks in front of me, with far more enjoyable activities planned than shopping.

old dog, new trick?

2008-10-01T07:24:00.004-07:00

One of the things I have to do before the end of the year is buy a new laptop. While I was oh so generously gifted with a new-to-me laptop last year, it’s no longer doing the job sufficiently and will need to be replaced. (Sidebar: I seem to be fairly hard on machinery of this sort. It was a perfectly good laptop when I got it, but now it’s slower than molasses in January and refuses to connect to the internet.)

In any case, I’ve been shopping new laptops in the last few weeks, comparing systems and prices and whatnot. I’ve always been a PC girl, so I’ve never really given thought to switching to a Mac. But my father recently did, and he seems to love his, so I started thinking about it.

The big appeal of switching to a Mac is, of course, being able to avoid the nightmare that is Windows Vista. I know firsthand from watching Sparkles battle with her laptop that it is le grand suck, no matter all those peppy Windows-Mojave-is-really-Vista-isn’t-it-great? commercials. If I go PC then I have to get one with at least 4GB of memory. Yeah, they say you can run Vista on 2GB, but they LIE.

Moving to 4GB means upgrading the operating system to a 64-bit, as the standard Vista Home Premium package is 32-bit and won’t recognize the extra memory (and then what’s the damn point?). So already the added costs are piling up.

However, the Mac seems to be a little pricier out of the gate anyway, so even with the added memory and upgraded Vista they’re almost neck and neck (assuming I go with the standard 2GB memory on the Mac). And when you factor in the fact that I already have a copy of Office 2007 for PC and would have to buy the Mac version – along with any other software that I could otherwise beg, borrow or steal from PC owning friends - the Mac is definitely the pricier option.

Of course there are issues aside from price. I’m told that Macs tend to have a longer life than PCs, have less trouble with viruses and crashes, and better resale value down the road. Of course, this is all hearsay from satisfied Mac owners, who...how do I put this delicately? Are a tich fanatical about being Mac owners. But they're worth investigating. And while I understand that it’s not too terribly difficult to make the transition from PC to Mac, I do tend to be stubborn in this area, and I have some concerns about this old dog learning a new trick.

I’ve got time to ponder, as I won’t be ready to buy one until at least December. But if anyone has any strong opinions either way – and I know you do – let's have 'em.

oy vey, teh cuteness

2008-09-29T21:53:00.004-07:00

So I've been talking for a while about Sparkles getting a new puppy, and last week we finally got to bring him home.

Presenting Brechbuhler's Enough About You...also known as Levi.

He's a nine week old Bernese Mountain dog. He's very fluffy, and he gets hot under all that fur. So he spends a lot of time on the cool tile of the kitchen floor.

And sometimes, I join him.

We're all adjusting pretty well. I'm probably adjusting the easiest, because hey - not my dog! I don't have to get up to take him outside at 3:00 am, a fact for which I am eternally grateful. Sparkles was going a little crazy at first, afraid she was going to do it all wrong and completely mess him up, but she's gotten her perspective back and is doing just fine. And Merlin...well, Merlin is employing his tried and true method of dealing with a situation he doesn't like. He pretends it's not happening.

Honestly. His capacity for denial is truly epic - Levi simply does not exist in his world. Even when the puppy is chewing on Merlin's tail, or catching his leash in his mouth and tugging on him while we walk, he just plods on as though nothing out of the ordinary is happening. He ignores the barking, the yipping, the attempts to get him to play. The only time he pays any attention at all is when Levi gets a treat - then, believe me, he notices.

And of course, gets one of his own. We're suckers.

fixed

2008-09-25T07:32:00.002-07:00

About six weeks ago, I got fixed up.

Now, I have never been a fan of the fix-up. Whenever a friend says to me, “I know someone I bet you’d hit it off with” or “Have I got the perfect guy for you!” I generally run screaming in the other direction. The problem with fix-ups, as I see it, is that the friend doing the fixing always seems to have a vested interest in whether or not the relationship works out – or even develops in the first place. And if it doesn’t work out, well you’ve not only got to worry about yourself and the other poor sap that got caught in this trap, but your mutual friend as well.

And that’s usually the most traumatic part. They cry, they apologize, they obsess over what went wrong: “I thought you guys were perfect for each other!” they’ll wail. “What did you wear when you met him for dinner? You didn’t tell him your Best Zit Pop Ever story on the first date, did you?”

And so on. It’s just too much damn trouble, frankly, so I usually avoid it like the plague.

So when I got a would-you-be-interested email in June, my initial thought was, “Oh Christ, how much mental and emotional energy is THIS going to cost me?” But as luck would have it one half of the couple doing the fixing this time is the orchestrator of the ONLY fix-up that I know of that has actually worked out. And while that weighed in her favor, coming down much heavier on her side was the fact that she had absolutely no feeling one way or another about this potential relationship once her part in it – the initial introduction – was over.

So, okay – fix me up, I said. And then promptly forgot about it, as the man in question was out of town for an extended period of time. But then in August we happened to be attending the same party, and introductions were made. And I thought, Huh. I might kind of like this guy. So I gave him my email and phone number. And we talked on the phone, and exchanged messages, and had a few dates. And I thought, Wow, I'm having a really good time, and I still really like this guy.

I feel much warmer about fix ups these days.

as weekends go...

2008-09-22T04:00:00.002-07:00

...I think I'll file this one under "interesting":

Went to a pirate festival
Smooched a pirate
Took my first horseback riding lesson
Woke up sore from my first horseback riding lessons
Listened to Sparkles kvetch about her new puppy
Took my dog to the vet for a checkup - we're A-ok, in case you were wondering
Made French toast
Okay, Sparkles made the French toast - but I made the bacon
Worked on two writing projects - current and new
Took a nap in the cage Sparkles bought for her new dog
Found a hickey on my earlobe, put there by a pirate
Had dinner with some new friends

See? Interesting.

we have no banana

2008-09-19T04:00:00.002-07:00

So I was checking out my favorite columns in The Stranger yesterday, and Dan Savage was making his annual plug for Hump!, the annual amateur porn contest they put on.

And it was a little depressing, because it made me think of my Birthday Gang Bang. Which, I am sad to say, will not be happening this year.

Not because I don't want to do it - I do. And I still plan on doing it someday soon. But this year, the timing turns out to be very very bad.

Without going into a whole lot of detail, I've been dealing with a lot of stress and emotional upheaval over the last few months. Some of it can be attributed to the various stresses of the last year - moving, leaving friends and lovers behind, settling into a new home, new job, new community. And some of it is due to some long standing issues that are no longer content to remain in the dark corners of my mind.

So I had to make the difficult and disappointing choice to put off the big group sex party. As I told my cinematographer, if I tried to do it now I'm afraid it would wind up being something that I had to endure rather than a celebration. And that wouldn't be good.

No, if I'm going to fuck half a dozen guys and/or gals on my birthday, I want to feel good about it. Hell, I want to feel fucking GREAT about it. So I'll wait until I clear out some of the cobwebs, and revisit the issue when things get back to normal.

Normal for me, anyway.

obscurity

2008-09-17T04:00:00.002-07:00

Little known facts about me. Or maybe you already know....after three years of blogging, I've sort of lost track of what I've told y'all. So tell me if you've heard this before.

I'm right handed, but whenever I dream or picture myself doing something - like writing - I'm always left handed.
My longest running relationship outside blood family is my dog.
I like my dog a lot more than most of my blood family.
When I was a kid, I used to eat raw hamburger. I still love the taste of raw meat.
My batting average in high school was .425.
I set my own hair on fire when I was seventeen, while lighting a cigarette that I'd stolen from my friend's housekeeper.
I used to sabotage my mother's vegetable garden - specifically, the peas.
The first time I tied myself up while masturbating, I was about twelve years old, and I was wearing a Holly Hobby nightgown.
My mother used to make me go to the tanning booth because she said I needed color.
I used to peel the calluses off my heels with a razor blade.
It hurt a lot.
I always miss a spot when shaving my legs, usually on my knee.
I love having my toes popped.
When I was nineteen, all I wanted was to get married, have half a dozen babies in as many years, and be a stay at home mom.
When I was 20, I became a nanny and changed my mind.
I once picked up a guy in a bar by asking if I could lick his shaved head.
He broke my heart.
My father used to make a cake every Easter in the shape of a bunny rabbit.
I can make figure skaters fall with the power of my mind.
For some reason, it doesn't work on ice dancers.

sexual politics

2008-09-16T05:44:00.003-07:00

I'm not a fan of politics, and tend to stay away from discussions of such. But some things go beyond politics and come down to basic human rights.

Go see what Matisse has to say about the NCFS, the DSM revision petition, and why you should sigh the holy hell out of it.

What are you waiting for? GO!

budget? what budget?

2008-09-12T07:35:00.006-07:00

The blue dress thing might be heading into the "obsession" category.

This isn't quite the right shade of blue - a little too gray - but I could still wear it. And I adore that gold band at the bottom. It makes me giddy to think what fabulous shoes I could find to go with this.

Now this is the right color, and the shape is excellent, but I wish the hem were just a bit lower. Dresses look best on me if they hit at the knee or just below, and the length on this is just a smidge short. But isn't it darling?

Of course, both dresses are WAY out of my price range. Like, WAY. But it's remarkably fun to fantasize...

the quest continues

2008-09-11T07:35:00.005-07:00

Well, I managed to drop a couple of hundred dollars yesterday on new clothes without finding a blue dress. Which is fine; I needed new clothes for work and I managed to find a lot of things I'm sure I'll get a lot of use out of.

But the blue dress continues to elude me. I'm contemplating this one...

...but I'm not sure. The color is perfect, I love the bodice, and the silhouette is a good one for me, but the print at the hem is making me hesitate. I'm pretty uncomfortable with prints anyway, and this one seems like more of a risk than usual.

Opinions?

shopping angst

2008-09-10T07:53:00.003-07:00

I'm looking for a blue dress. I look good in blue, but whenever buying "going out" clothes I seem to always fall back on the little black dress. So I want a blue one.

I found this:

But of course it's on clearance, and all they have even close to my size is black. And dammit, I want the blue!

I'll have to keep looking. I was actually searching for a brighter blue, so I'll keep going along that vein.

I hate shopping. Buying is good...shopping and not finding is not.

*sigh*

in short

2008-09-09T04:00:00.001-07:00

I keep saying I have a lot going on, and that doesn't seem to be slowing down much. I'm still deciding how much of what I'm wrangling is for public consumption, so details on that will have to wait.

In the meantime, the results of the Pubic Hair Poll: Purple seems to be the color of choice, with 38% of the votes. Shocking pink was second at 28%, and Rainbow was a distant third with 13% of the votes. So I'll be looking for some permanent purple dye suitable for my delicates. Or, you know, I might just say fuck the votes and pick another color. It's my damn pussy, after all.

But I like purple, so I'll give finding the right color a shot. Anyone with suggestions, shout 'em out.

fuck the pain away!

2008-09-08T04:00:00.000-07:00

While I continue to try to get my shit together around here, I submit this for your viewing pleasure. NOTE - Not work safe in the slightest, and if you're a Muppet purest you might be slightly offended. I, however, laughed my ass off. Thanks to my pal Zen for the link.

last call

2008-09-05T06:40:00.001-07:00

I'm taking down the Color Poll tonight, so if you haven't voted, now's the time.

And I'll try to be more present around here, really. But there's shit going on that needs my attention, and has to take priority. But I'll try.

and coming from behind...

2008-09-02T08:03:00.002-07:00

I go away for the weekend, and Purple takes a surprising lead!

Voting continues on the Pubic Hair Color poll...I figure I'll leave it up through the end of this week, so if you haven't voted yet, step up.

Lots of stuff happening right now at Chez Hannah, some of it good and some of it not so much. It's the not so much that's keeping me busy, and I'm hoping to soon have a firmer grip on all that. Suffice to say I haven't felt much like blogging lately, but I'm hoping that'll change soon. I miss y'all.

I'll probably put a longer explanation of all that up at some point, but I don't know when. And it might not be too informative, because what's going on right now feels sort of private. I'll just have to see what comes out when I sit down to write it.

Meanwhile, get your vote in. See y'all in a while.

exercise your rights

2008-08-27T22:49:00.003-07:00

Voting continues on the Pubic Hair Color poll....as it stands, Shocking Pink holds a substantial lead, with Rainbow and Purple nearly tied for second. Get your votes in before it's too late!

I stopped by my local beauty supply today, just to scope out their selection. I do believe the sales lady was shocked when I told her what I was looking for and why - she asked me if I lost a bet. And in the spirit of true salesmanship, put aside whatever personal feelings she had about my choice to dye my pubic hair and set about finding me the right supplies.

However, I discovered that all they carry - in the bright color palate - is semi-permanent color. Meaning that it will wash out a bit every time I get in the shower, and likely rub off on my clothes a bit as well. And since I've decided to give up underwear, that doesn't sit to well with me.

So if anyone knows where I can get my hands on some PERMANENT color to do this little project, speak up. And yes, of course I'll post pictures of it - whoever asked that question must be new around here.

results - and more polls!

2008-08-25T04:00:00.002-07:00

Well, I must say I was a little surprised by the results of last week's poll:

As you can see from this helpful pie chart, the bleach and dye option got the most votes. However, it was followed closely by whimsical shape shaving, with corn rows coming in third place. Surprisingly, dreads got hardly any votes at all.

Some of the "Other" answers that were submitted were "shave it again, bald is best!", "Crop circles", and "trip and bikini wax, but keep the sexy long hairs up top! To be drug around by!". I'm not sure what the "trip" part of that suggestion was....maybe they meant trim.

In any case, since bleach and dye got the most votes, that's what I'll be doing (though it's also what I'd be doing even if it got the least votes, because it's what I want to do and it's my damn pussy, frankly). But I will take suggestions on the color for my new 'do. Therefore, a new poll:

tell me something good

2008-08-20T04:30:00.000-07:00

I will likely be scarce around here in the coming days, as I am being invaded - I mean visited! - by my parents. Although I might show up briefly to bitch, as Lord knows they make me bonkers.

But we have lots planned, and I am looking forward to seeing them. They may be crazy, but they're mine, and I love them.

So to entertain in my absence, I've created a little poll over at Poll Daddy so y'all can help me with a dilemma I'm having. Since I've grown out my pubic hair, I have NO idea what to do with it. It's kind of driving me nuts. There's so much of it (I could do 70s porn, for serious) and it's just...there. I feel the need to shake things up, pube-wise. So help a girl out, will you, and let me know what you think I ought to do with it.

happy, darlings

2008-08-19T08:13:00.001-07:00

Today is Goose and Gander's wedding anniversary. A sweeter, more loving couple I've never met, and it's been my honor to be a part of their lives these last three years.

Happy Anniversary, darlings. I love you both more than you could possibly know.

three things

2008-08-18T04:00:00.000-07:00

I had a date Saturday night.
I did NOT answer the door naked, holding a bottle of Astroglide.
I had a good time anyway.

Friday's picture - teh cuteness

2008-08-15T06:05:00.004-07:00

The litter of puppies from which Sparkles will get her new dog is about three weeks old now. Their eyes are opening, they're starting to eat more than just mama's milk, and they're just too friggin' cute for words. Sparkles is getting one of the five boys from the bunch:

Could you just die?

Thursday's Picture - bottoming to my oven

2008-08-14T04:00:00.000-07:00

This is why we eat out a lot. And why when we don't, Sparkles does most of the cooking.

This never happens when I bake...

Wednesday's Picture - drunk texting

2008-08-13T04:00:00.001-07:00

Last month when Nina was in town, she, Sparkles and I went to dinner. And there was wine. A LOT of wine. And I got a little toasted.

Well, a lot toasted, but that's really not the point.

The point is that I was among friends, and seeing as I wasn't driving, getting toasted was not a big deal. I amuse my friends when I drink, and since it doesn't happen to excess very often, they forgive the transgressions that I commit when I do.

It all would have been fine if I hadn't had my phone with me.

I got it into my head that I needed to TELL someone how drunk I was. And how cute I looked in my going-out-to-dinner dress, and how good the wine was, and several other things that I really don't remember. And I decided that my friend Alex would be the recipient of all this information.

Now, when I say I drunk texted him all night, I mean ALL NIGHT. From about eight-thirty until after eleven - I continued to text even as I got personally and intimately acquainted with my bathroom plumbing, and I'm pretty sure the last one was sent just prior to my passing ou-er, falling asleep.

Thankfully, Alex has a well developed sense of humor, and was highly amused by all of this. So amused, in fact, that when I saw him last he had a present for me.

The photo's a little blurry, because I can't find my digital camera and took it with my cell phone, but it says "When I'm bad, I'm bad, but when I'm drunk, I'm better".

I think it's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten.

Tuesday's Picture - Snarky, Bitchy Hannah

2008-08-12T04:00:00.001-07:00

So I was talking with Sparkles and another writer friend of ours a few days ago, about a conference we're all going to be attending this fall. And as our friend has never been to a writer's con with me before, I felt the need (with Sparkles backing me up) to warn her.

"I get really, really snarky at these cons."

She laughed. "That's what I like about you, Hannah."

"No," I said, "you don't understand. The snark you've seen me exhibit to this point has been mere child's play compared to the snarky, bitchy cunt I turn into at these events."

Sparkles nodded. "She does. It's pretty amazing."

Case in point: During one of the cons that Sparkles and I were at a few years ago, we were sitting in a workshop listening to a really great speaker give a really funny, interesting talk. And I was enjoying myself until I noticed that sitting on the other side of Sparkles was a woman with...oh, I'll say interesting footwear:

It's a little tough to see (I took this pic with my old phone), but what you're looking at is a woman's high heeled pump with a cut off stocking inside it. Did you get that? Cut off stocking. Like she took a pair of support hose - because it looked like support hose - and trimmed it down so it just covered her foot. Stuck out of her shoe, but covered her foot.

People, this made me insane. The picture is evidence of this insanity, because when I noticed this I simply had to get a photo. HAD TO. And remember, we're in a hotel conference room with at least sixty other people, most of whom are trying to pay attention to the speaker. But me, snarky bitchy cunt that I am, am making a pure ass of myself trying to get a picture of this woman's foot so I can snark about it later. Which I am, to you right now.

Sparkles, needless to say, was unamused by this. Actually, she was quite amused at the beginning, but when I all but climbed into her lap in an attempt to get the lighting right on this picture, she sort of lost her humor.

But I got it. And isn't it awful?

picture week

2008-08-11T04:00:00.002-07:00

I have declared that this will be picture week here on the big blog, where I will show you pictures and then explain them and/or rip into the people featured for whatever heinous behavior they're exhibiting.

So, Monday's Picture - or "What NOT To Wear While Riding A Motorcycle, You Giant Ass"

This man is doing SEVERAL things wrong. First, let me clarify - yes, he is on a very big motorcycle. However, he could be on a Vespa and this would still be wrong. What is wrong, you ask? Answer: except for the helmet, everything he's wearing.

Pants: It's tough to tell with the low res of this picture, shot on my cell phone, but these are cotton "business casual" slacks. They're about as thick as the Arts & Leisure section of the Jackson Hole, Mississippi newspaper (Tuesday edition), and if they meet asphalt, he's going know, intimately, why the phrase "road rash" makes experienced bikers cringe.

Shirt: Same problem as the pants. This is a shirt you wear on a golf course, my friends, not on a bike. Even if it had long sleeves, it would offer little to no protection against the road. Bikers wear leather for a reason other than it looking bad ass; it protects your ass! And yes, it's summer, and it's hot out, but they make leather jackets that are summer weight and vented, and would you rather sweat a little or lose several layers of skin? At the very least put on a denim jacket, for Christ's sake.

Last but CERTAINLY not least, the shoes: Sandals? Are you fucking kidding me? He lays that bike down at any speed higher than 12 mph, and he's going to lose a foot. Motorcycle riding gear should always include footwear that covers the ankle, and is preferably thick enough and stiff enough to protect your feet.

I hated the sight of this so much I almost yelled at this guy what an idiot he was when we were stopped at a light - which is when I took this picture. But I didn't want to interrupt Darwinism at work.

push!

2008-08-07T06:58:00.002-07:00

So I started doing this new thing at the gym this week: The 100 Push Ups Training Program.

The site will give you all the details, but simply put it's a six week training program designed to build upper body strength - with the ultimate goal of being able to do 100 push ups in a row. (Not that they really expect you to be able to do that after the six weeks, but they throw it out there as a bit of an exercise carrot.)

Gander alerted me to this, and since I'm feeling...eh...about the gym these days, I thought I'd give it a try. Something new, to motivate. You're supposed to do a test to see how many push ups you can already do, so you know where in the program to start. But I cheated, and guessed instead of doing the test. I wanted to start right away, and I hate waiting.

But I guessed I could do ten push ups, and turns out that was a low ball guess. The first day was way too easy, so this morning I had to jump up a level for Day 2. And I'm feeling it now.

I actually used to do a lot of push ups. Back when I was training pretty regularly with Leo, one of my roomies back in Texas, we did a ton of upper body work. He was always trying to get bigger in the chest, and I was interested in building upper body strength, something that's generally tough for women to do.

One of our workouts for chest involved what can best be described as push up intervals - we'd do a regular chest exercise, like bench presses, and in between sets of that we'd do push ups. So we'd do a set of ten to fifteen bench presses, then immediately drop down and do ten push ups. Back to the bench, then push ups, then back for a third round before moving on to the next chest exercise where we'd do the same thing. Usually three different exercises focusing on chest, with a minimum of ten push ups in between sets - three sets per.

So doing the math, that's ninety push ups in an hour workout in addition to all the weight work. Which if you're wondering, hurts like a mother fucker the next day.

But push ups are a great upper body workout, and they really do build strength and endurance. It'll be interesting to see how many I can do after six weeks.

a loss

2008-08-06T04:00:00.001-07:00

I found out last weekend that my parents are coming to visit me. For almost a week.

What the hell am I going to do with them for a whole week?

They were going to come for Christmas, but I had to tell them that with my job situation, I probably am not going to be able to take any significant amount of time off around the holiday. My mom was really wanting to come while the weather was nice, and since there's a lot more to do outdoors in August than in December, they both decided to come out now.

I'm still not going to be able to take a lot of time - if I don't work, I don't get paid, and getting paid is a priority. But I can swing a long weekend, and maybe some short days, and on the days when I can't I'll just give them my car so they can do all the exploring they want on their own.

I miss my folks, and love them, and I want to see them. And the trials and tribulations that some of my friends are going through with their parents right now make me realize how blessed I am to have parents who, despite hardly understanding me at all, still love and support me unconditionally and unreservedly. But I don't know what I'm going to do with them for a whole week.

the seething black pit

2008-08-04T06:48:00.000-07:00

The only thing keeping me from unspeakable acts of violence and torture is my own grip on the slippery edge of sanity.

finally!

2008-08-02T08:15:00.001-07:00

Today, I get to order my bed!

dirty laundry

2008-07-30T04:00:00.001-07:00

Since I've got a lot going on around here and not a lot to talk about - trust me, you're better off - I thought I'd give y'all a listen to one of the songs currently getting a lot of play on my iPod.

The video is nothing, just a still shot of the band. But oh, this song.

I'm just a bad girl, that's why we get along...

babies

2008-07-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

In eight short weeks, Sparkles will be picking up one of these little darlings...

...and bringing him/her home to live with us.

To say she is excited about this would be the understatement of the century. And I'm happy for her, because she's been wanting a dog of her own for a long time.

I'm also happy she's the one who'll be dealing with house training.

pet

2008-07-28T04:00:00.001-07:00

Yesterday morning as I woke, I realized I had one hand tucked between my legs.

Not the first time I've woken up that way - or gone to sleep that way. Hell, during the days of my Self-Imposed Celibacy™ (i.e., most of my twenties), I started and ended most days like that. But I wasn't masturbating yesterday; I was petting.

I'm sort of embarrassingly fascinated by how my pussy feels right now. Covered with hair, as it hasn't been in years, the change in texture is oddly bewitching. The way that tidy little pelt affects how a caress is received and perceived...well, it's endlessly interesting, and I often find myself petting and stroking it with a tinge of awe and a sense of discovery I haven't felt about my own body in years.

It's pretty cool. And it sure makes a sleepy Sunday morning a little more interesting.

epiphany

2008-07-23T07:31:00.001-07:00

I realized something as I was getting into the shower this morning. One of those "looking at yourself naked in a full length mirror" moments of clarity.

I don't really want to be perfect....but I think I should be. And....in order to be deemed lovable, I think I have to be.

Ain't that a kick in the head?

laughter, the best medicine

2008-07-21T04:00:00.002-07:00

According to my stat counter, an inordinate number of people seem to find this blog by Googling the phrase "household items as dildos", or something along those lines.

This amuses me to no end, which is good, because I can certainly use the laugh right now.

In other dildo news, I made what some may call a questionable purchase recently. Sparkles' reaction was something like, "Oh my GOD, what is WRONG with you?!?!?" But that might be less due to its size and more due to the fact that I'm displaying it on the newly installed shelf in our living room.

Hey, I told you - I need the laughs.